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Any Dads struggling.
  • Hi
    Sorry for being gender specific but wondered if there were any Dads out there feeling cheated and sorry for them selves. My boy is awesome Autism diagnosis but defo PDA not aspergers . Very high functioning but not attending school due to anxiety and struggles to go out. Love him to bits but oh do I wish I could take him places. Might seem selfish but see other friends with son's and wish I could have a bit of that. Think my boy does just can't.
  • paulfoel
    Posts: 13
    Got 15 year old whos diagnosed Aspergers. We're thinking PDA as well.
    Just can't work him out. Hes aggressive and violent.

    Hes bigger than his mother and assaulted her last week. And hes got a little 5 yr old sister. Its currently a nightmare to be honest.
  • June67
    Posts: 816
    Hi Familygoog and other dads, it's not just dads that grieve for the life, experiences and child they thought they were going to have and feel like they are missing out and everything is always so hard us mums feel it too but I do understand how the dad/son bond would be an issue. Trust me, my brother has a son between mine in age who is 'normal' and it is heart-breaking sometimes hearing how well he's doing and all the stuff we'd love to do as a family but can't. I admit I am sometimes a bit jealous especially as some family members just don't understand my two can't just do those things. Don't get me wrong my nephew is a lovely boy who we love loads it's just a painful reminder of what could have been. In the end I wouldn't change my boys for the world because then they would be themselves we as parents just have to adjust to new expectations.. My husband is having a tricky time coming to terms with our situation as he has less time to get informed due to work commitments, I expect this is often similar in many families.
    Maybe you can enter his world by doing things he loves so he has less stress and some control, he may be more open to doing your thing next time.
    Oh by the way if you are in or near Surrey I just got an email about a ASD awareness course for dads at Linden Bridge School. which might be a good place to exchange Dad specific stuff and I know there are also some dads contact groups that meet through NAS in some areas. Hope you don't think I trying to hijack your thread.
    Courses at SEND Teaching School
    Good afternoon
    Please find details below of our Autism Awareness Programme for Fathers.
    The course will be held from 630pm to 830pm at Linden Bridge School in Worcester Park on the dates shown below. You must be able to complete all four dates.
    • Wednesday 13th, 20th, 27th March and 3rd April 2019
    Places are limited and will be offered on a first come first served basis. The cost of the course is £85 per person which should be paid when confirming your place. Payment details will be sent along with the booking form.
    Please note that we will be closed after today for half term, so booking forms will be sent to you week commencing 25th February 2019.
    We wouldn’t recommend you attending this course if you have already completed the Barnado’s Cygnet Programme for Parents as it may be very similar content.
    We look forward to hearing from you.
    Kind regards
  • MarSet
    Posts: 38
    Hi Familygoog, your certainly not on your own. Although my 13 year old son goes to school he makes everything for me so damned intolerable. He only has intrest in technology and trying to get him away from it is nightmare, he's got no social boundaries at all.
    My daughter is visiting for the half term and we had planned to be going out places and he ruined the lot for me, he expects us to get grandma or the neighbour to look after him so he can stay on his Xbox. When I tell him no he's not going back on the Xbox among the cloud of profanities he tells me straight that he will just be a dick for them. We've run dry on people who will look after him and grandmama and my neighbour are about done with it to so I end up loosing out every time. It's really hard because I've been dealing with this foe about 8 years and it's got progressively worse and worse and up until recently we couldn't get any help.
    I love him to bits but I'm not sure how much more I can take of it, I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
  • June67
    Posts: 816
    Yes PDAer has held us prisoner all week we haven't been out of the house, thought we would yesterday then he decided to build a den in the family room and stay in it for 24hrs but wouldn't be alone in the room for a moment. Gave his brother a break from him but not me, plus I couldn't spend any time with his brother. I do love him to bits but sometimes it's like raising a cuckcoo who takes everything and never shares. I feel he is sucking the life out of me and the family; we have no help at all so it's all on me and his brother. Yet I understand he's not doing it on purpose and simply doesn't understand. I need to find a way to help him even if it's just for a few minutes so we get a break. Just glad he is managing to go to school at the moment so there will be some kind of a break when they go back after half term. Then I may have a very small amount of time to care for myself in order to help them. Good luck all
  • MarSet
    Posts: 38
    I've been trapped indoors all week but haven't let that spoil it for mum and the girls, I deal with all the time but it really stresses mum out and she has a tendency to leave him to do what he wants (so counter productive for me) as it makes things worse for me in the future. He has no interest in anything family unless I've confiscated his phone and then he demands/dictates what we will be doing.
    My only time is taking the dogs for a walk so I can have a rant to myself and get it some of it off my chest.
    The hardest thing for me is I suffer from depression and anxiety and this just makes things for me so much worse, but at the end of the day I will always put my family first.
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 1,152
    Hi MarSet, I find dog walking very therapeutic and often try to stretch my time a little here so I can get a break. Do you have any family/friends nearby that could help a little, even if just coming to the house so you can break the day up slightly. Would anyone be able to sit with your son so you can have a bit more of a break? I can totally understand putting your family first but please also try to find a way to give yourself the time you need as when we struggle as parents it’s so hard to continue offering our children the support that they need too.
  • June67
    Posts: 816
    I fully agree that you must find ways to give yourself time to keep strong and feel supported, working together as parents is vital. It is hard to have a consistent approach as a couple especially if you don't get time to talk and work out how you want to approach things. This can lead to frustration and tension between you but you have to make allowances for each other as you are probably both exhausted and sometimes that is when your boundaries get eroded just so everyone can have a bit of peace and calmness. I've often failed in my tired state to keep the few boundaries we had in place because I just couldn't handle the screaming and shouting anymore and haven't been able to access support and we don't have a network of people to help us.
    Keep walking the dog, celebrating quiet moments and any successes you have, and if you get the chance to enjoy a cup of tea whilst they are all asleep and watch the birds in the garden so much the better. The things that help me are trying to focus on the positives however small, forgiving myself for not having a 'perfect' life and realising the actually it's ok to be 'good enough' and trying my best. Really no one has a perfect life even if it looks like it on the surface we just have to understand our kids and be realistic. If we take the pressure off them it can help but there are no magic wands just ways of coping. It isn't ever easy but you can get through if you look after yourself and take any help offered.
  • MarSet
    Posts: 38
    My problem is I've always been the one to help everybody else even those that don't deserve it, the only way I can get any real time for myself would mean going away for some time alone. My days are already fragmented with the dogs (which I love) but they get over bearing at time when I need to be left alone and structured house hold jobs.
    I aren't perfect ive never tried to be but to be constantly told your worthless by somebody who you've spent your life doing the best you can for is soul destroying.
    We dont have anybody around to help and apart from grandma who a bit useless and my neighbour who's had about enough of him so its not like I can even escape for a few hours.

  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 1,152
    Hi MarSet, just wondering whether you've thought of trying a local support group and whether you might meet someone there who understands and might even be able to help? I've been able to find a whole new network of friends that totally understand our situation and don't judge but try to help when needed.

    We have a link here of specific PDA groups that we're aware of, or you could take a local at your county's 'local offer' pages as groups should be listed there too.
  • MarSet
    Posts: 38
    Hi RhanH, no I haven't looked yet as I've only recently heard of PDA. I would be helpful as we don't have anybody who we can call on to give us any help or advice. I think the closest on the list would be Rotherham.
  • HarHer
    Posts: 347

    Rotherham have/had a very active NAS support group and I am sure members would be familiar with PDA. Rotherham used to be (and possibly still is) one of the 'cluster' areas for autism and there used to be quite a high level of services there.

    I am talking of a few years ago, so things may have changed.
  • MarSet
    Posts: 38
    Thank you HarHer, I'll check them out. I wish there was something closer though

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