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Advice on best approaches
  • Hi there, I am new to this forum and have seen some fantastic advice from you all.

    I wondered if anyone could help advise on our situation with our son.

    He has been diagnosed with Asperger’s, ADHD, ODD and demand avoidant profile

    He is 12 years old and started secondary school in August which he is doing quite well in apart from high anxiety surrounding P.E. and Home economics (although he is pretty negative bout school in general).

    His relationship with his Dad is particularly fraught. His Dad can be more authoritative than myself and this just doesn’t work and now my son refuses to speak to him or be in the same room as him.

    We have a rule for our children that no electronics in their rooms at night. My son refuses to let us keep his phone on charge outside his room, he says he needs it by him for his alarm (we bought him a new alarm clock) & he doesn’t trust us with his phone. We have taken his phone away before but that did cause a such a massive upset. Since then he has been so much more withdrawn.

    He spends the majority of his time on his computer chatting to online friends which makes him happy and he does allow me sometimes to sit with him and shows me what he is doing or who he is talking to but won’t allow anyone else in his room (unless he is a particularly good mood)

    I do feel that if we reduce demands and keep things as relaxed as possible he may come around and we can then build on this but have been accused of making a rod for my own back and allowing him to do as he wants.

    We have also been invited to a friend’s house with the family at the weekend and he is refusing to come (we hardly go anywhere as a family). I am happy to stay at home with him as I think it will be too much but again is this the wrong thing to do? He says he doesn’t want to go because his Dad will be there & doesn’t want to go somewhere he doesn’t know. We have offered to let him take his computer and his ear defenders but he just says no.

    Are we allowing ourselves to be dictated to or with thinking this are we not giving our son the support and understanding he needs to help him?

    Sorry if this is confusing, my first post here.
    I just want to do the right thing
    Thanks for getting this far
  • PanDAPanDA
    Posts: 73
    I think you are doing the right things already. You are giving some leeway to him but not giving in completely. That's a good thing! As an adult with PDA I can completely relate to the trust elements and also with the social side of things. It takes very little for trust to be broken as far as I’m concerned, and once that trust is broken it’s very hard, and sometimes impossible, to rebuild it. I also tend to hold grudges for a long time. As far as the social side of things I can relate to this. I love being around people but I also find it SO difficult and exhausting. There are some days that I can’t do it and other days it comes more easily. I don’t blame him for not wanting to go if I’m honest. Unfamiliar and lots of people is a bad combo for me too. I don’t think you need to worry too much for the time being.
  • PanDAPanDA
    Posts: 73
    Oh I should also add that I was exempt from PE at school because I found it too much to cope with. Schools can adjust if they want to. If he were in a wheelchair he wouldn’t be expected to join in for example.
  • Hi limeyguk and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job and it’s great your son is getting on well at secondary school. I absolutely agree that giving him leeway is really important to reduce his anxiety. We have reduced demands for our daughter who is 14 and it has made a massive difference to our family. Please keep posting as there’s lots of helpful people on here x

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