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I can't take anymore of the mental abuse. Why does she do it?
  • bettyboo1
    Posts: 49
    I can't take anymore of the mental cruelty my daughter puts me through. Its so horrible and vile I'm really worried she's developing some other serious mental health tendencies (She won't work with any therapists). I do everything for her yet all I am to her is somebody who does the stuff for her and a person she can be absolutely horrible to. For a long time I've tried to convince myself that I'm just her safe place etc but I think hand on heart she truly is devoid of any loving feeling towards me. Its true we've had a fraught relationship at times mainly because I feel for no other reason other than because I'm the one that makes most demands of her and won't stand by and allow very bad destructive behaviour happen in our home. Even when it does and she carries on terrible I am the only one held accountable because I have dared to shout at her or raise my voice (as I've been pushed to the brink and snap ). I know I shouldn't shout (which isnt even often tbh) but she winds me up to the point of me losing it when she's throwing stuff or attempting to break stuff. She won't ever see her part in any altercation and it's all my fault and I'm the worst mother in the world. Actually she doesn't see how lenient and low demand we are for her in this house. She's not asked to do anything. I walk away most of the time. I apologise when I shouldn't have to to keep things moving on and do everything for her yet she treats me so badly and never sees or owns up to her part in anything. She is mentally cruel to me not speaking to me for days and days on end over minor disagreements and says that because she's angry this automatically gives her the right to act out and do whatever she wants without me even addressing it. I don't take stuff off her anymore as it causes so much murder it's just not worth it. I can't cope anymore. Even my husband admitted that he does question if she loves me as she NEVER shows me even in any small gesture or kind act and I really don't ask for much. I get that she's a teenager and so for some time hasn't wanted to hang out or spend time with me anymore and I get that but this has become a very extreme form of almost detachment in everyway possible. Yet she is so nice to her facetime friends who are the only ones who get a completely different version of her. She is only ever nice to me when she wants something or when she wants money. After not speaking to me all week for shouting at her for lashing stuff out of the freezer and nearly breaking the back door glass she will start to thaw around Thursday night just in time for the weekend when she wants pizza or money for her iPad and stuff. She says the most hurtful things she can to me and I wonder how anyone can treat their mother in this way. I'm worried she is a sociopath. Does anyone else receive this extreme form of mental cruelty/bullying and how do you cope? After having a brilliant relationship with my own mother and loving her very much I can't get my head around why when I'm a good mum she chooses to treat me this way and I do believe she chooses to over she can't help it. She won't speak to me about it. I've tried to talk to her about it but she won't. My husband says she gets a kick out of hurting me and knows exactly how to hurt me the most. I get teens get angry and Pdaers get angry but I get no good after the bad. There's nothing to balance it out anymore. What future is there for us. My husband who loves her very much like me talks about her leaving home (to me not her) when she's 18 (she is only 12) as he says we can't live a lifetime with this constant behaviour/abuse and that our living situation would be less volatile if she wasn't living with us. How bad is that to talk about your child...but honestly it's just because it's no life for anybody. Sorry for the long post. I just needed to get this off my chest after a bad 2 weeks and a bad night yet again ending in her verbally and mentally abusing me. I'm a good mum, she's from a good home most kids would love to live in. Why is she so vile? I can see us becoming estranged in the future unless something changes but I don't know how to fix it and I think she would be fine with it (she tells me all the time). She holds all the power and the cards and she knows it. Why won't she make good choices and why is she treating me this way. Do sociopaths enjoy being cruel? Its so worrying and very upsetting.
    Thanks
  • Rubytuesday
    Posts: 308
    Hi Bettyboo, I am so so sorry you are having such a hard time. I think PDA and teenage hormones together are a difficult combination... My daughter is now 14 and we have had (and continue to have) some very difficult times with her. But I would say that at 14 she is much less angry than she was at 12/13. She had a breakdown and stopped going to school at 12 and was then diagnosed with ASD. At that time things were extremely difficult, she was very angry with me and my husband, but over time she has begun to ‘recover’ from the trauma of school and we have gradually repaired our relationship. So hopefully as your daughter gets a bit older things may improve? But I appreciate that’s not much help to you right now! Just a few thoughts, which you have probably thought of but just in case... I know you’ve posted before but I can’t remember if your daughter is at school or if she has a diagnosis? If she’s at school, could it be that the pressure of that is causing some of her behaviour? Is it worth talking to school to see if they can make adjustments for her? I’m guessing you’ve tried CAMHS and I know their support is variable. We’ve been put on various courses by them and although these have varied it has been great to connect with other parents. Is there anything like this or any local ASD/PDA/SEN support groups you could go to? I’ve found another Mum locally who has a child with PDA who is off school and it has been an absolute lifeline for me! Another idea is to call the PDA society enquiry line. It sounds like you are really bearing the brunt of all this and it’s incredibly hard and need support for you. Also, I think there are Carers organisations in most counties who can do a Carers Assessment and provide support. I really, really feel for you, it’s such a hard job xxxx
  • bettyboo1
    Posts: 49
    Thanks Ruby Tuesday. Your words mean a lot and give me hope. I did write my post at 1.40am in the morning after 2 nights of no sleep so I did feel quite hopeless after a bad night. I'm sorry it was so negative. I normally do a good job of always telling myself that she doesn't mean it and can't help it that I'm her safe zone but sometimes I forget I'm only human and after a good couple of weeks of it on the run I'm just worn out tbh. When I feel like this I can catastrophize our future which I know doesn't help and only brings my mental health down but I can't help it and just worry so much. When I feel like this this page is my let out, my vent and my godsend. I let it all out as I type and can access it even at 1.40 am and feel better once it's out. Actually this afternoon I found out her friends have had an argument so they aren't talking and also a trip has come up in school which she doesn't want to attend and has been trying to get out of for weeks. She is in a very good ASD special school but only for the last 8 weeks after a year of hell in a mainstream so yes this could be the reason why for her high anxiety. Yes, she is deffo turning into a "teenager" but not a typical one with all the things she has going on so yes she is very wound up at the mo. I think it's a case of just riding it out as you say and concentrating on coming out the other side. Thanks for reading, sharing and replying. I will reread my books and I'm also booked on the adults PDA course in Feb 20 in the hope I can learn from the guys how they felt growing up and what helped them in the hope I can learn something that I can use. When she won't talk to me or access help it's hard but I'll keep going. Thanks again. Sorry for the blowout xx
  • bettyboo1
    Posts: 49
    P.s We have since the age of 7 an ASD diag with a significant demand avoidance profile ( they don't diagnose in our county but doc told me unofficially PDA in his opinion) also with Sensory processing disorder and now ADHD added in the last 12 months. I think she has OCD as well but when you have so many labels it's hard to know what's causing what and how much is overlapped. We also have significant sleep issues. X
  • Rubytuesday
    Posts: 308
    Hi Bettyboo, please don’t apologise. That’s what this forum is for, we all need to vent sometimes! I know I definitely do - I have days when I’m really positive and other times when it all seems a bit too much. I’ve been thinking about going to the Adult PDA event too as it’s not too far from us. I need to see if I can work out the logistics... might see you there! X
  • KobiKobi
    Posts: 42
    Hi bettyboo1,

    Really sorry to hear what you're going through and how you are feeling. As Rubytuesday said, teenage years are the worse for most children but especially those with PDA. It doesn't help that the education system seems designed for the majority rather than the individual (sorry, personal gripe :)) ). I also had a really hard time when my daughter was in her 'teenage phase', and like you, I got the backlash of every gripe, insult, lost object, etc. It's a horrible time and you are not to blame, not for how your child is behaving, or for thinking about them moving out. As a young, single (suspected PDAer) mum, I thought everything was my fault - it was also implied by 'help' before my daughter's diagnosis. I was so convinced she'd be better of with another parent that I rang social services several times to try and get them involved. So you are definitely not alone in how you are feeling. My daughter and I still have clashes and I can be just as much to blame for those, but she is also a lot more self-aware and able to reason and apologise when she's calmed down. She also now realises just how much I fought for her over the years and has expressed appreciation. So don't give up.
    I was also a really terrible teen, and I do mean TERRIBLE, and my mother used to say that if I hadn't left at 15 'we'd be like one of those families on Jeremy Kyle who haven't spoken for 20 years'. Yet as an adult we are very close, in fact she's probably my best friend now and I have nothing but love and admiration for her.
    It might not help much right now, but I'm hoping the knowledge that things DO get better for a lot of people will be of some comfort in those dark moments. In the meantime try and congratulate yourselves for everyday and meltdown that you get through :)
  • jdp341
    Posts: 1
    Dear Bettybo1,
    If you haven’t already, it might be helpful for you to listen to the Kristy Forbes interview (episode 182 I think) on the TILT parenting podcast.
    Kristy is a professional and pda’er, and talks incredibly insightfully about the healing time needed when you improve and change a bad situation for a pda’er. That we expect the improvement to come much sooner that it does. She says it’s after the improvement is made that the trauma comes out, and that it’s a long process... it might be helpful to listen to?
    I really wish you luck and so feel for you. It’s unbearably hard at times. Xx

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