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relatable behaviours/personality traits (posting in here as posted on wrong forum before_
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    Hi everyone - been a long time since my last post which i think was back in August when we were on holiday - actually we came away from holiday feeling that it was much better than we had anticipated....YES it was still really hard, but once we were over the initial settling in period there were times that I actually did get a little relax time....Any how I though it would interesting to run by the behaviors my daugher exhibits on a daily basis and see if they are similar to any or yours - I know my daughter is probably a big mix of asd, pda, ocd, adhd as most of ours are - i still look back at old photos from say 3 years ago when she was 10/11 and in those 3 years she has completely changed...she was never a particularly 'easy' child however nothing on the way she has been since puberty came along like a big hurricane!!! I mean at 10/11 we were not even thinking asd, adhd, pda but maybe just a touch of OCD! Anyhow things have changed a little since the initial breakdown when everything seemed to change almost overnight. I think when I last posted I talked about my daughers 'need to confess' well that has also changed a lot over the last 5 months or so, she doesnt confess every single guilty thought anymore, or on the way to school like she used to which is .....phew at least.

    Any tiny disagreement or anything that could be interpenetrated as a difference of opinion between myself and her will result in her having to make everything ok again, usually by her saying the same thing over again such as"i feel like ive been really mean to you" - "is everything ok" - "so everything is ok" "ok i love you mwah" I must emphasise that I have tried everything to get her to stop this however depending on her anxiety levels this will either go on until she feels happy or she will get over it in one minute - this can be as many times as 20 times a day or much less on a good day she has an intense fear of upsetting me - ironic really - this fear has been from age 6/7 but it used to be a fear of ruining the day back then. She will also tell me that she loves me almost everytime we have any type of interaction or even if i just walk by her which is probably most parents dream, but not when it is just pure habit and she expects me to respond back to her (which i dont most of the time) i have told her why and its not that i dont want to etc just that i dont want to make her habit worse....she does understand however that doesnt always help if her anxiety levels are really bad that day and i have to pick my battles with that one! I make a point if she is being really good to actually go up to her and give her an unexpected hug and kiss and tell her i love her and im trying to teach her this as a positive step.

    We seem to have the going to school issue sorted - she doesnt have a particular friend group that she hangs out with at lunch etc as that was causing her too much pressure so she is allowed to go off to the special needs unit and hang out there to each lunch - which she does in a room on her own or she wont eat as she is so paranoid of anyone seeing her eat for some reason. Thats all working out great for the most part and has taken a whole lot of pressure off since she started back in September but a few times there have been other girls coming into that room and she just wont eat all day. She is doing really good in school and her report is excellent she loves teachers and they really like her too, especially her head of year who she idolises as she is young and pretty.

    She has this thing about food although i have educated her on anorexia and she does like to eat her certain foods like pizza and katsu curry - she is not great with home cooked food although she is better with my husbands food (he is an amazing cook!) She is very ocd and depending on what mood she is in and her anxiety levels yet again, will disect stuff making sure a hair has not got into it or anything suspicious, which will put her off and make her gag - also recently she will freak out if i bring her her food and she thinks somehow with me carrying it to the table my thumb has touched her food - she will say she feels sick and wont eat - however she is very lazy and will hardly ever sort out food for herself. She is also a vegetarian but her diet is more limited than ever before and she goes off stuff at the drop of a hat. She can go hours without food which of course exuberates her anxiety levels. I am currently trying to get her to take magnesium citrate which is wonderful for anxiety as i have a keen interest in nutrition and take all this stuff myself!! Even putting this stuff and juice or milkshake is like getting her to drink the most disgusting thing on earth, however my son is brilliant at taking this stuff!!

    part 2 coming.....
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    Going out is so hit and miss, i must say she is great at getting dressed in the morning now (its part of her habit and routine now, as she made up her mind that she was going to do this every weekend and that is exactly what she does, because she decided it) Im so happy about that and have to give her credit - however some days we will go out for a simple meal and it can be quite enjoyable but other times a total nightmare ..... there is no way to tell or make that call. Going out as a family even if i have talked about it with her before and we joke about meltdowns (i can actually do this sometimes!) She can trigger at the smallest thing especially if we are with extended family. The other day we went into a cafe to use the loo and get some lunch, she thought she got locked in the toilet but she hadnt after that she was totally silent and wouldnt eat lunch just sad there with her head on the table...after that she will have to go with my to a quiet place and go through her is everything ok ritual to get over it, at which point she told me that she was embarrassed so thats why she went like that and then wouldn't eat (i did get her chips from the market after which she ate with no problems)

    She goes from totally lethargic and sloppy to hyper with uncontrollable laughing, usually with her brother.
    I think i posted in the past about her sensory issues and problems with other people touching certain fabrics.... she has no tolerance for this whatsoever, although our current psychologist seemed to get through to her when we addressed this topic and she does take herself away from it now thankfully. It means she stays upstairs most of the day on a weekend in our spare room which has a sofa in it, which is not idea but it keeps the peace and stops meltdowns from this.. I guess most teenagers would be in their rooms at this age so maybe not that different...however she will not chill out in her room as she is very ocd about this being perfect and if she is in the spare room she has told me she can just relax and not worry about everything being 'perfect' so fair enough i suppose its all about work around and whatever works for an easy life etc.

    She spends ages on her phone and has very narrow interests and will just default to playing a certain game on her phone for ages and i let her...again to keep the peace - she does engage with other kids on the game she plays, however is very responsible so i do trust her on this level - i justify this on the weekend as the only way that she relaxes but like all games they are very addictive. If she is not in the habit of reading she wont read, unless she has a new book or something, however she will only read in bed and thats it because that is just the place she read and not at any other time. She will not draw unless i say lets do some drawing at which point she will probably question why im asking her to do that!! I must admit i do a lot of things just to keep the peace that I probably shouldnt be doing, like run round the house to get her things and bring her food (im always trying to get healthy snacks in her)

    I have been trying for 4 months to get her a pair of decent school shoes, but its like mission impossible and makes me think i am going mad!! She has very set ideas about what shoes she likes which are plain black ballet pump style, im not kidding when i say that i have probably purchased around 5 or 6 pairs of shoes which i buy when i am out on my own and take home to her because she did not want to go out etc they are never any good and i almost always have to take them back. She is wearing the most flimsy pair of tesco shoes at the moment but has to wear them as we cant find anything else that 'fits' properly that are her criteria. The other day i was walking round the shops with some paper cut outs i had made of her feet, i felt like a right nutter...still didnt do the trick!! Tried to get her to clarks today but she refused as clarks is for babies apparently. I know that im not going crazy but sometimes it feels like it...know what i mean!!??

    I hate to rant on and this is only a little bit that i can think of now!! but its not so much as a rant but more of a comparison with others who are similar and it most definitely feels good to compare notes There have been some improvements for sure, but not always easy to see is it? I always make sure to praise her good handling of situations and even the tiniest positive thing.

  • Holly59
    Posts: 2,586
    I know exactly where you are coming from. Whatever you say or do is wrong and it's your fault!!

    Shopping is an absolute nightmare. I am getting the hang of which shops the youngest can cope with. They tend to be the more expensive ones!! Shoes , ugh , the only ones which he likes and will fit are Ecco at £120. The shirts are Lewins . Getting anything to fit but which feels nice is tricky with his height.
    Fat face is good length wise . Shame I very rarely get anything at Primark to fit.

    The eldest I can go most shops and buy and bring home.

    Have you got a relative or someone else she would go with? Have you tried reverse strategies. , that's absolutely awful I would not be seen dead in that , that's worked for me.

    The uncontrollable laughter is an issue on the Spectrum. It's an issue which eventually I recognised . I can see the issues in the Cafe, it's so much of a sensory overload it's their way of coping.

    I have found the easiest way is to look at the Positives each day, reading through yours there are plenty of those and you should be so proud.

    Trying to take a young lady to Clarks Shoe Shop , it's like Marks and Sparks, that's for OLD people. Anyone over 25 is old. I dread to think what they think of me. No I was not born in Roman Times as one of my friends children asked her. I was asked was I alive at Dunkirk when they did a history project which was bad enough. Comments like those really help your self esteem.

    Eating and food in the youngest , I could write an entire book on. My youngest survives on sweets from the vending machine at College. So what. If he goes to College that's fantastic. One Health Visitor told me if they are hungry they will eat, want to bet. Seen mine go for days on next to nothing . issues Dr gould.pdf

    Make be this will help you see some of the issues.

    Good luck on the shoe search.

    Yes , we do understand.

    Pat xx

  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    Thanks so much
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    I feel like it's all in my head and just need to let it out sometimes! !
  • Holly59
    Posts: 2,586

    mrscoco said:

    I feel like it's all in my head and just need to let it out sometimes! !

    Unless you live with PDA you don't understand.

    Make sure all your friends , relatives are signing the Petition to spread awareness and get PDA formally accepted in Scotland please.

    To understand PDA you have to understand Autism Spectrum. It needs completely removing from CAMHS.

    There is so little of that. Autism Spectrum should be treated separately. There are so many issues and syndromes associated.

    If you have been diagnosed with Autism , the next question should be what else, e.g. Dyslexia .

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