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The Mum Effect?
  • LoobyLou
    Posts: 7
    Hi there
    This is my first post here. I have only recently learned about PDA and I've started the process of having my son assessed. He is 7 and has Di George Syndrome and there is still a lot that is unknown in terms of the impacts that this has on my son. I'm struggling just now as my son's reactions/behaviours are only ever extreme with me. He employs delay tactics and things like that with other people, including his dad, but seems to 'save' his worst reactions for me. I understand this, in a way, as he is strongly attached to me but my husband thinks that things would improved if I handled things in a different way. I just wondered, does anyone else have this experience with a child who has PDA?
    Thanks
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Oh what timing to read your post. I was only just despairing of this very thing. We have 2 daughters with ASD and additional PDA. Like you, they save it all for me. They will go nuts with their dad too, but it's mostly with me (although I am the primary caregiver). I have realised it's a combination of anxiety, feeling safest with mum to let it all out, obsession with a person - being mum (in the information on this website it says about being obsessed with people), which can sometimes be obsessed in a negative way. They mask entirely in school and seem as if everything is fine and then come home and give me hell. The eldest has even told me if I get a professional to help her she will hide all the behaviours until they've gone!
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 1,016
    Ditto. I have an 8 year old daughter diagnosed with PDA and she regularly saves her most extreme behaviour for me. It doesn't seem to matter how I change my approach, eventually it ends up in the same way. My one consolation is that she trusts me enough to let go of her emotions knowing she's safe and secure wherever we are.

    Welcome to the forum! I'm sure you'll find lots of useful information here and the resources section is good too. Keep posting. Xxx
  • katykins
    Posts: 52
    With you there sisters! At least I know I wasn't going mad when I said my daughter was targeting me, now I know about PDA. It makes so much sense now. She scans my face for emotions like a computer programme and has always wanted to control me (texting when out of the house at work or with friends asking what I am doing etc) xxx
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Can we make this a thread for targeted mums?! Because in the event the usual parent-blame culture rears it's ugly and all-too-frequent head, it is anecdotal evidence that this is not crap parenting it's PDA!
  • my granddaughter is PDA and 18. Her entire life her mum has been special beyond words. To the outsider she totally controlled her mum but now mum said no to a relationship with an older lady and my granddaughter reacted by contacting the father she never used to want to see and suddenly my poor daughter is arrested for physical, emotional and sexual abuse.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    I hope the police listen to the clinical evidence and information on PDA and realise your granddaughter is fabricating these allegations. Have their been any developments?
  • extended bail again. i have suffered a stroke. daughter in a terrible state.
    granddaughter publically declaring love for lady friend and dad almost like she is punishing her mum
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Oh I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you passed all the information (links etc.) that were posted on your thread to your daughter, about the PDA and ASD causes for these behaviours? She needs to use these as evidence to give to the police. I hope you recover soon.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Reposting this for you outofdepthdad:

    https://www.facebook.com/PPPC.UK/posts/1758185444207465

    "Parents Protecting Children UK
    Yesterday at 05:43 ·

    Sometimes false allegations are made by teenage / young adult children who have been manipulated by a therapist or other third party to believe that a loving parent is the cause of their difficulties.

    The people with the most experience of helping such parents are the BRITISH FALSE MEMORY SOCIETY - they have a very useful website.
    This is from the BFMS website :

    Ten Golden Rules for the Falsely Accused

    These rules below are intended as a guide only, and intended to assist persons who have been falsely accused of a sexual offence. The rules and opinions expressed are strictly the writer’s own. The accusing person is referred to as ‘the complainant.’

    1. Do treat seriously any sexual allegation made against you, no matter how apparently insignificant, or absurd and no matter if it is not reported to the police.

    2. Do immediately record the fact of the complaint, that is, write down the detail, of sexual allegation made against you, as soon as you become aware of it, whether made to you directly, or to a third party. Include: Who, when, where, all the circumstances and details of the allegation(s).

    3. Do prepare a timeline and detailed background statement. This is essential, in the event of any future official complaint. Include: Your connection with/relationship to, ‘the ‘complainant’, identify where ‘the complainant’ fits into your family history (if you are related). Detail any fact that may be relevant to the allegation – family rows, therapeutic assistance known to have been sought by ‘the complainant.’ Identify any reason for a motive to make a false allegation. Identify any potential witnesses who may be able to speak of your good character AND ‘the complainant’s’ character, her relationship with you etc. The timeline should identify potentially significant life events and dates of births of family/significant persons.

    4. Do immediately see a solicitor who has a proven track record for handling sexual allegations – after the first complaint is made. Don’t take his or her word as to their experience as a guarantee of his/her expertise in the field. Expect to see a company prospectus naming cases that he/she has conducted. Don’t expect to see a 100% acquittal rate either. No matter how skilled your defence team, no-one can guarantee an acquittal. Place on record with the solicitor, the nature of the complaint against you and your denial. Give him/her your case timeline and background statement. This way, if a complaint is made in the future, the case is ready to go from the ‘off’ and you have a solicitor who is primed with knowledge of your case (being in receipt of the information supplied above) and ready to advise.

    5. Do instruct a solicitor immediately following arrest. If an arrest takes place, you will hopefully have already identified your solicitor (as discussed above). Falsely accused persons, often naively consider it unnecessary to seek the services of a solicitor, thinking everything will ‘blow over’ or ‘come right in the end’ after the police have listened to what you have to say. Be advised, it is foolish to ‘go it alone’. No matter how intelligent, articulate or worldly-wise you are, it is always advisable to have a solicitor with you.

    6. Do discuss your interview strategy with your solicitor – that is whether you are best advised to answer police questions, go ‘no comment’ in your interview or submit a pre-prepared statement. There is no hard and fast rule at this stage. Which course to take, depends upon the circumstances in each case. The writer’s opinion is that in a typical case, where the accused is a person of previous good character, that is a person with no prior criminal convictions, then provided:

    (i) there has been appropriate pre-interview disclosure to inform you sufficiently of the complaint and (ii) provided you are medically fit to answer, then it is preferable to have on record a denial from the outset and an open, genuine defence response. The interview will be tape-recorded. It may be played to a jury at a later stage and you/your solicitor are entitled to a copy of it. Be aware of the legal consequences of not answering police questions. Ensure you receive legal advice on this aspect before the interview.

    7. Do stay calm in interview. Listen to questions and take care with answers. If, because of the historical nature of the allegations your memory is unclear, then say so in the interview. Do not feel obliged to provide a firm answer to exploratory questions by the police interviewer that seek to probe family history, events and relationships. If you can’t remember, then say so. Frequently, accused persons are arrested with no prior warning, early in the morning, then taken to the police station and left alone in a police cell for a few hours. This course of conduct is entirely lawful. The psychological impact of this on your state of mind is obvious. You will feel alone and vulnerable. By the time of the first police interview several hours later, you will have one thought uppermost in your mind, that is, to get out of the police station. Don’t guess answers.

    8. Do inform your solicitor and police of any known health issues or psychological/psychiatric learning difficulties that either you or ‘the complainant’ suffer from. Let the solicitor determine if these issues are relevant or not to the conduct of your defence. It is important that your solicitor has all the information he/she requires about you AND ‘the complainant’ as soon as possible. These issues are of paramount importance. They may be critical to the interview or preparation of your future defence. Equally, your health or other issues may affect how you give evidence, or how the jury should be directed to approach it.

    9. Do be actively involved in the preparation of your defence. Don’t sit back and let things happen. Don’t bury your head in the sand. Assist yourself by assisting your solicitor. Limited funding constraints mean that solicitors do not have an infinite amount of time to spend on your case. Obtain a copy of the prosecution case (you are entitled to this) and make line-by-line comments for your solicitor who will in turn send these to counsel. Write objective comment and factual observations rather than repeating how awful you feel or how stupid the accusations are. Consider with your legal team if an expert report is required well in advance of trial.

    10. Do discuss and agree the future conduct of your trial. Identify the counsel whom your solicitor wishes to use as soon as possible. Ensure you meet your barrister well before the trial. Increasingly, higher court advocates (solicitors with rights of audience in the Crown Court) are conducting serious cases in the Crown Court. Whosoever is going to represent you at trial, ask for a resume or CV. You are also entitled to receive an Advice on Evidence and to a conference(s). Ensure you understand and agree how the advocate intends to present your defence well before trial, which witnesses will be called, the cross-examination of ‘the complainant’ and how/whether you will be likely to give evidence. A final decision may only be made at trial.


    This guide has been prepared for the BFMS by a helpful barrister.

    This article was originally published in the Newsletter of the British False Memory Society (Vol 20, No. 1 – October 2012)."

  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Some other bits from that thread:

    "Here's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood: https://www.uploady.com/#!/download/uai0OoaN_3K/31IYzUyP4mOjHc3q (from p121-122) (Asperger's is another ASD the same as PDA is)

    "Where lying is becoming an issue for the family and friends of the person with Asperger’s syndrome, explanations will be sought. First, due to impaired or delayed ToM abilities, the person with Asperger’s syndrome may not realize that the other person is likely to be more offended by the lie than by any apparent misdemeanour. Second, he or she may consider that a lie can be a way of avoiding consequences, or a quick solution to a social problem. What the person might not acknowledge is that lying can also be a way of maintaining self-esteem should he or she have an arrogant self-image, whereby the making of mistakes is unthinkable."

    "A sense of paranoia
    One of the consequences of impaired or delayed ToM skills for the person with Asperger’s syndrome is a difficulty in distinguishing between deliberate or accidental actions of another person."


    (ToM means theory of mind, which is understanding the thoughts, feelings and intentions of others.)

    What happened to innocent until proven guilty?

    https://www.liberty-human-rights.org.uk/human-rights/what-are-human-rights/human-rights-act

    "The right to a fair trial and no punishment without law - you are innocent until proven guilty. If accused of a crime, you have the right to hear the evidence against you, in a court of law;"

    It's Article 6:

    http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1998/42/schedule/1

    http://www.false-allegations.org.uk/

    "FASO: Clear information; practical advice; emotional support; here for anyone affected by false allegations of abuse."

    https://www.facebook.com/falseallegationsupportorganisation/?fref=pb&hc_location=profile_browser

    http://www.valeofglamorgan.gov.uk/Documents/Living/Social Care/Disability/AutismResources/Tier4PDA.pps

    PDA Presentation by Glamorgan Council. See slide 15:

    "6 engaged in fantasy communications such as poison pen letters, fantasy love letters, hoax phone calls and letters, false accusations to the police, and obscene stories"

  • lots of the allegations are things which my granddaughter has tried to do to her mum but it has been turned the other way round. things that were just normal family life have been made into something wrong.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Oh how I recognise that pattern of behaviour! Please do ensure your daughter has that information, it may turn out to be the thing that helps her.
  • 07162017
    Posts: 52
    My son is currently being assessed. Everything points to PDA but the local area does not recognised PDA. The local CCG have refused funding for an assessment at The Elizabeth Newsome Centre. My son is cruel and aggressive towards me. He is 13. He is obsessed with his father who we now suspect as having the same diagnosis. Perhaps they understand each other on some level. It has been very difficult to stay calm and not appear upset when he threatens to hurt me, says he wishes I were dead and would leave home. I feel very low.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Take heart 07162017. Many PDA children are very cruel towards their parents, you are not alone. I had my eldest (who I only recently had a lightbulb moment that she has PDA like her younger sister) say to me in a meltdown "I hope you die a horrible, painful death, all alone and scared." along with some other choice things. It's so shocking and very difficult not to be deeply hurt by it all. She lied not long after and said she hadn't said it. It wasn't even a case of her not remembering because it was in a meltdown when she was overwhelmed, she actually said that 'all' she had said was that she hoped I'd die. She completely downplays all the terrible things she says and does, or excuses herself because of being very upset, or blames it on me. But anything anyone else does, no matter how innocent, she will distort (and invent) things and 'mountain of a molehill' is understatement of the century. We are human too, even if the cause is their condition, it's still child-to-parent abuse and if you didn't feel devastated and upset you wouldn't be human. Living on eggshells and in fear for the next explosion all the time is draining and very hard work.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    This is the PDA Society information I meant above, where the focus of obsession can be a person and can be negative:

    http://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-PDA/about-pda/features-of-pda

    "The sort of avoidance that has been described is often linked to an obsession with a particular person (or less frequently, an object). Obsessions will vary from person to person but are often social in nature. Sometimes, obsessions with particular people can become problematic and overbearing for those who are on the receiving end."

  • Thankyou PlanetAutism for your support. If you hear of any cases where this kind of thing has happened before please let us know. Evidence is so vital as I know you are aware. My daughter had recently suffered a nervous breakdown, it was going to happen after 11 years of being a single parent but my granddaughter always hated her mum being ill and deep down i also feel she is punishing her for not being her strong mum as she always had been
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    You're welcome. Well I'm sure it has, bearing in mind the awareness of Glamorgan Council about it, to the degree they have made a presentation on it. Why don't you contact them and ask for their sources? http://www.valeofglamorgan.gov.uk/en/our_council/Contact-the-Council.aspx
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    An old thread here with more information on false allegations by girls with PDA: http://www.pdasociety.org.uk/forum#/discussion/1159/thank-goodness-i-have-found-pda/p1
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    http://www.thepdaresource.com/files/An examination of the behavioural features associated with PDA using a semi-structured interview - Dr E O'Nions.pdf

    "Several made false accusations (“She will make things up and tell tales to get her brother into trouble, and then wants me to tell him off in front of her”)."
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:K7Jr-t7pSmkJ:https://www.choiceforum.org/docs/liz.ppt+&cd=8&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=uk

    "Lack of sense of acceptable limits on behaviour - Do not seem to realise that the rules apply to them. May humiliate parents in public, call the police, make false accusations etc.

    6/18 engaged in fantasy communications such as poison pen letters, fantasy love letters, hoax phone calls and letters."

    Compared with existing data from parents of 5,000 12yr olds, where we identified:

    Conduct problems/ callous unemotional traits (CP/CU; N=28)


    (It may be that Glamorgan used this as their source).

    I am shocked by how many behaviours I recognise in that document, both my children do so many of them, really specific stuff.
  • Holly59
    Posts: 2,561

    Thankyou PDA_ASD_parent for your support. If you hear of any cases where this kind of thing has happened before please let us know. Evidence is so vital as I know you are aware. My daughter had recently suffered a nervous breakdown, it was going to happen after 11 years of being a single parent but my granddaughter always hated her mum being ill and deep down i also feel she is punishing her for not being her strong mum as she always had been



    Hi,
    I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. Give her my love . She must be Absolutly Devastated. The entire family has been affected by such tragic circumstances.

    I hope you get the support you need for everyone .

    Take care.

    Pat xx
  • Thankyou Pat I will pass on your good wishes. My daughter still isnt thinking of herself, so desperate to know her daughter is safe and loves and misses her so much. I can see my daughter slowly fading in front of me and there is nothing i can do.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    If she hasn't already, please get your daughter to read this thread. In fact, it might be a good idea for her to visit the forum to see she is not alone and this is an issue with the false allegations. I am in liaison with a researcher who is doing a piece on the issue. Tell your daughter to hang in there, it's traumatic and shell-shocking, but with the right solicitor and the right information, she will come out the other side of this.
  • My daughter rang Glamorgan but unfortunately but unfortunately no case histories at all. The presentation was more about making the local education aware of PDA and strategies.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    OK, well that document above is really useful (added again below):

    https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:K7Jr-t7pSmkJ:https://www.choiceforum.org/docs/liz.ppt+&cd=8&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=uk

    "Lack of sense of acceptable limits on behaviour - Do not seem to realise that the rules apply to them. May humiliate parents in public, call the police, make false accusations etc.

    6/18 engaged in fantasy communications such as poison pen letters, fantasy love letters, hoax phone calls and letters."

    Compared with existing data from parents of 5,000 12yr olds, where we identified:

    Conduct problems/ callous unemotional traits (CP/CU; N=28)"



    I had to use a cached version to get a link for you, if you go onto Google on this link: https://www.google.co.uk/?gws_rd=ssl#q=PDA+false+accusations&* you can download it as a PDF document on the 5th result down on the first page of results.

    There must be more like that out there.

    I wouldn't focus too much on the case histories in any case, the fact that there are official sources clearly stating that this is a known PDA behaviour should be enough. Any such sources can be cited.
  • you are so kind. cannot thank you enough for your support.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    You're so welcome. Take care and get well soon. Send your daughter some positive vibes and good luck from all the mums on here.
  • LoobyLou
    Posts: 7

    my granddaughter is PDA and 18. Her entire life her mum has been special beyond words. To the outsider she totally controlled her mum but now mum said no to a relationship with an older lady and my granddaughter reacted by contacting the father she never used to want to see and suddenly my poor daughter is arrested for physical, emotional and sexual abuse.



    This is so, very tough for your daughter... I don't even know where to begin. I guess that you supporting and loving your daughter will help.
  • LoobyLou
    Posts: 7
    outofdepthdad, I hadn't read all of the posts so only read about your stroke after I posted my first response. This is extremely tough for you all. I'm not sure where you live but it might be worth checking out if there's a voluntary organisation that supports women. I know that there's a couple of places in the city near me so it's very possible that your daughter could access some advocacy and the additional support that she needs. Sending you all very positive vibes.

    Dear PlanetAutism, RhanH, Katykins and 07162017 - thank you so much for sharing; you are stars and very kind. I appreciate your comments and the others. 07162017 - it sounds like you need to talk to someone about how you're feeling. Is there a Women's Organisation near where you live? It may be worth checking out if you could talk to someone. I look back and I realise that I was reaching out for help in so many places and I only started feeling better once I accepted that I was really struggling. Sending you all a big cuddle xx
  • Rachelace
    Posts: 61
    Hi, my daughter shows obsession with me in different ways. She's been obsessed with my belongings. It's felt like living with a thief over the years and been very upsetting. As she got older and I recognised the need for her to have my things, to try and reduce her taking things, I'd buy things for me that were really for her! I'd let her look at it with me and she would giggle, snatch it and run off it with it. I'd follow and say you can't take other people's belongings, you must ask permission to use or borrow (NB. Note my words aren't PDA friendly, we didn't have a clue about PDA/autism till 10 months ago). If she asked permission I'd say "if you promise to look after it will let you keep it for a while" and she'd be very pleased. That didn't happen much, normally shed hide it behind her and say "I'm having it". In those days she would get a lecture on why that's wrong - it didn't make any difference. She never could break the pattern, except on a rare occasion and she seemed pleased with herself that she'd asked. I had to fix locks to my bedroom door to lock it when i wasn't in the room. This has caused her a lot of anger, she hated the fact I had control of my bedroom. She's nearly had the door off banging it and she's tried to unscrew the lock. The lock went on when she was 11 so I'd had years of it. She even took items that weren't mine such as presents bought for other people. And presents to me for birthdays and Christmas, it was stressful living like that!! If I forget to lock it she still sneaks in and takes things, it's a very strong urge for her. I've tried for years to teach her to ask permission, but asking for something is a rarity. Now I know about PDA I get it!!!! For years I didn't understand. If she wants a snack she just takes it, and every body else's share. For years I'd say " if you had asked permission the answer would be yes, ask permission next time and agree to leave some for everyone else". She had a sugar obsession so that didn't help with taking food based stuff. She had an aversion to using a bin repackaging and put the packaging hidden in the same places, like behind an armchair, so it got noticed fairly quickly. She never properly hid the evidence!

    The worst thing was if an item had a special meaning to me she ruined it. This sounds disturbing (together with taking my things) but years later we identified it it as jealousy. If I am emotionally attached to something its a rival for my affection!! Does anybody else experience this? It's caused a lot of upset. Normally it's something she's heard a sentimental story about.

    Interestingly when she had her breakdown aged 12 she suffered bad sensory for wearing clothes and the few items of clothing she's worn for 12 months are mine or my husband's. They're big and baggy and that is easier for her to tolerate, however she also gets comfort from them.

    She dislikes my friends and work colleagues (jealous). In the days I used to have a night out she would wait up for me no matter what time I got home, not ideal when you're worse for wear after a long due good night out!! She would say what my mum said when I was a teenager "I was worried about you". Bless her.

    She gets jealous when I speak lovingly to my husband and my son and even our pet! She can't handle it but sometimes she worse than others. I have to reassure her I love her more than our pet and remind her we all love our pet and treat her well. In fact I've learnt more about her feelings through talking about the pet rabbit than at any other time.

    I recently went to a talk by Jane Sherwin and when she described Molly's obsession for her I realised I didn't have it so bad at all. On the spectrum my daughter's obsession with me is moderate.

    One psychologist pursued Attachment Disorder but it never went any further. I know it isn't AD. We don't yet have a diagnosis (Aspergers, then PDA have been raised and were on the waiting list for ASD assessment (not PDA, not diagnosed here). Which reminds me I'm going to have to follow this up again...

    If anyone can relate to my daughter's behaviours please let me know!!
  • Rachelace
    Posts: 61
    I need to learn to write concisely, I just can't do it!!
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    Hi Rachelace - I can relate - all our kids are individuals and have their own behaviours etc of course but there is so much the same too!! My daughter has ocd and her ocd behaviours came before her pda traits emerged - we never really knew my daughter asd until she was 11 - goodness knows how we did not pick that up, as looking back now I can see so many of the traits have always been there, but we have a son who is asd and he is very different. I can relate massively to the jelousy, jelous of anyone who would take my attention away from her. Even from as young as 2 or 3, if my mum came to visit, she would not want to give her a hug or kiss, we never did understand why but I can see that it was the demand avoidance now plus the jelousy of the dynamics changing and me spending time talking to my mum. She was not bad when her brother came along when she was age 4, however when she was about 7 she had a crying fit when she thought we were talking about having another child.....my husband and I found it to be a very weird reaction and didnt think much of it after that, but when she had her breakdown age 11 - shortly after her diagnoses - one of her big ocd phobias was me having another child which was the furthest thing on my mind!! She policed my husband and I and had to say phrases to make sure it didnt happen, things are better in that respect now but its still impossible to show any affection in front of her. She will get jelous of her brother too getting more affection than her so i have to pick my times etc...... SNAP with the staying up late whatever time it is, when ive been out! The other night my mum babysat (we rarely go out) we went out to London to a concert and got back past midnight, she was texting me the whole time i was coming back on the train, you see she cant have stuff on her mind no matter how irrelevant it is and needed to 'talk' to me to confess it. She was still awake when I got in to have a little talk. Daughter very sentimenal too - cant look at old photos, anything like that cant hear sad music etc - when she looks at old photos she will say things like you were happier then or I was happier etc, she also thinks about getting older and everything is to such an obsessive degree. She has massive sensory issues (if you see my older posts) Im well trained now but i cant so much as even put my hand on my jeans or the sofa in her presence!! Always tense about that one!!!! she tends to wear big baggy jumpers and leggings, like most of the teenagers i suppose. She is also very body conscious constantly needing reassurance of her thinness (even though she is tiny)
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    also - she used to think (still does) that everything was her business, much more than the average noisey child, because they can be told its not acceptable to listen to adult conversations and butt in or question who is on the telephone and what! She would creep about listening in, this was when she was about 7 or 8!!!
  • Rachelace
    Posts: 61
    Really interesting about your daughter and fabrics. I also commented on your message about tactile stuff. They share that too. Your daughter's ocd is stronger but there's overlap. Thankfully we can touch anything it doesn't seem to be an issue. She can't touch fabrics and household items. She can't tolerate textures rubbing against eachother which is the most strange and possibly ocd? The top duvet cover can't touch the bottom bed sheet which becomes a huge problem with her knees perched high seeing as she's spent months in bed , she was rarely relaxed in it. She's improved on this in recent weeks. She can't wear socks because they rub the shoe. She wears leather shoes without socks. I laughed reading your account of trying to buy shoes, I've also taken paper cut outs to shops I get absence!! She needs shoes now and its really hard getting any!. She can't wear trainers because of the texture of the inner lining.... She could write a book on why she can't tolerate clothes. At the moment she's got a thing about her centre parting even how she puts her head on the pillow to keep it right. She 's also appearance obsessed and her perfectionist mind can't be happy with her looks, hair etc. It's all mind blowing stuff to me. They describe her as complex and it worries me. Meeting all of you is so helpful. xx
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188

    mrscoco said:

    also - she used to think (still does) that everything was her business, much more than the average noisey child, because they can be told its not acceptable to listen to adult conversations and butt in or question who is on the telephone and what! She would creep about listening in, this was when she was about 7 or 8!!!



    I get the spying on phone conversations from eldest as well! She recounts things she has heard me say on the phone (or her version of them which can be misrepresentative) even ages later when I had no idea she was flapping her ears from upstairs!
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Rachelace there are definitely shades of your daughter in my two. Youngest won't allow me to hug my husband, she goes ballistic. The children are both jealous of each other and both claim I favourite the other. Eldest overheard me expressing an endearment to husband on the phone and then blurted out a couple of weeks later that this meant I had transferred my love for her to him as if it had to be an either or. Eldest recently said to me that she had 'devoted her life' to me which took me aback. I would say that translates as an obsession. Neither will go out with their dad unless I come too. Eldest has always been jealous of her sister since she was born, I think she has never adjusted.
  • Rachelace
    Posts: 61
    Mrscoco I forgot to mention the xray hearing that they have and which you indirectly refer to. Hearing things you don't want them too. We whisper quite a lot so she doesn't hear. She's hears things from.upstairs!! I.swear she has hearing superpowers. Her auditory sensory 's sensitive to noise and closes which distesses her... (if I ever call you Peaock or Mexico, they're predictive text for mrscoco!!lol)

    PlanetAutism I definitely have it a little easier I think. You've written a few things I've read on this site where I've thought mine.'s similar to.yours. It's helpful to know when awaiting.diagnosis. Devoted to you, ahhh, I get poetic endearments a lot, most of it derives from making up for horrible behaviour she does suffer a lot of guilt. Some.of the things she's said i'll treasure forever xx
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    oh yes - they are all so similar its ridiculous!!! the fact that they are all so complex though omg! by the way what i have taken to doing is whatsapping my husband sometimes in the same room, when i know she is around the house and will hear!!! its so much easier !!!! Im also very good at giving 'silent kisses' to my husband and son so she wont hear!!!!!
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    bedtime calls - we are all up on a saturday night!!!!!
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    The definition of an ASD/PDA parent - you spend your Saturday night analysing your child's behaviour on a forum instead of going out having fun!
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    yup - thats about right planet!
  • katykins
    Posts: 52
    I identify with lots of the above! My daughter is quite obsessed with me but also with my late Mother, who died before she was born. She desperately wants to know her but she can only know what we tell her about my Mum. It doesn't help that the family have always gone on and on about 'oh you would have loved your Nanny' or 'you are so much like her' or 'such a SHAME you never met her'. This has clearly had a huge impact. Her picture on her phone is my Mum, not me! xx
  • Rachelace
    Posts: 61

    katykins said:

    I identify with lots of the above! My daughter is quite obsessed with me but also with my late Mother, who died before she was born. She desperately wants to know her but she can only know what we tell her about my Mum. It doesn't help that the family have always gone on and on about 'oh you would have loved your Nanny' or 'you are so much like her' or 'such a SHAME you never met her'. This has clearly had a huge impact. Her picture on her phone is my Mum, not me! xx



    Aww that's so sweet yet so awful!! It had a great impact on her. My daughter has had the same said to her a lot over the years about her great grandma and has her middle name. It hasn't had the impact. That's a hard situation for you. Your late mum has had a big affect on every body and your daughter can feel that. Doe she talk about your mum when others spot her phone picture? Is she doing ok? xx
  • katykins
    Posts: 52
    We had a few calmer days but she is in a really anxious state again at the moment. She has put herself under pressure to get 'community' leave for Mother's day and my birthday on Sunday, so went to the onsite school 3 days in a row. The anxiety built up to a massive anxiety state she can't shift and she self-harmed and now she won't get her leave and she is really sad.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Sorry to hear that katykins. What type of self-harm is she doing?
  • Rachelace
    Posts: 61
    Hi katykins, sorry to hear what you're all going through and the pressures on your daughter. Two steps forward and five steps back. I hope she's ok after self harming. It's hard enough for my daughter to be involved in Mothers day, birthdays - the pressure builds up and she avoids it the nearer it gets, she managed to put her name on my card at 5.15 pm on Sunday. It's does seems a lot for your daughter to cope with to reach her goal. She wouldn't be able to attend 3 days at school out of the unit. No doubt her treatment plan has it all in hand but it's so hard on you all. Much love xx
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    Hi.ladies. Mother's day.meltdown this end too triggered from nothing....lasted all not night. Feeling disillusioned today. Daughter finding social aspect of school too.hard Friend's turn on her as she fixates on.boys and they tell her her problems are not real as they have 'real' issues ......I could cry
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188

    Rachelace said:

    she managed to put her name on my card at 5.15 pm on Sunday.



    I'll raise you - two mother's day cards written after 9.30pm...it was hardly worth it!

  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188

    mrscoco said:

    Hi.ladies. Mother's day.meltdown this end too triggered from nothing....lasted all not night. Feeling disillusioned today. Daughter finding social aspect of school too.hard Friend's turn on her as she fixates on.boys and they tell her her problems are not real as they have 'real' issues ......I could cry



    Sorry mrscoco, I know how very hard it is. I had awful meltdowns from youngest yesterday as well. Eldest thought she'd been really good to me by not having a meltdown on mother's day. Sure it will be back to normal today. Especially having been told by her a couple of days ago that the violent meltdowns will continue all the while I send her to that school. I've had conversations with them, that they have the right to be upset (even if I think the things they are upset about they shouldn't be) but that the level of reactions to their feelings are what are unacceptable. Logic or appealing doesn't work though, it just generates ranting and controlling questioning if I try.
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    Thanks ...I'm with you planet. Never in my wildest dreams did I think a child could repetitive question me.round and round in circles against my will in such a way where I'm.just cornered every where I turn or everything I do and all because she is.off the scale anxious.

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