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The Mum Effect?
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    Oh yes daughter also struggles.with the demand of.my birthday I remember a whopper last year on.my.bday that was fun....and. refusal to.do.bday cake and sing happy bday.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Carbon copy of my two. Extremely hard. :-t ~X(

    And as this thread is about 'the mum effect' we are those mums. Eldest has just finished a 20 minute rant about school and would refuse to tell her dad, it can only be me. Minor issues are blown up out of all proportion, even though there have been subsequent positives in the school day which should have ameliorated the negative ones.
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    Snap snap snap they have all the same traits I will get a 30 min rant in car all details of day with timetable so nothing missed. Dad will not be told anything and I shall be confined to a secret area usually the car and can't move until it's all done
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Oh yes, I'm not allowed to move either by eldest! If I walk a bit further away I will get screamed at "Where are you going! How dare you walk away from me!" (How damned dare the child tell the adult how dare!). I had a round two after the 20 minute rant. Extreme controlling again and refusing to accept any responsibility for the behaviour or even acknowledge it has happened!
  • dirtmother
    Posts: 896
    My son woke me up last night to give me the card he had drawn...

  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188

    dirtmother said:

    My son woke me up last night to give me the card he had drawn...



    Well you trumped me there. Any other takers?! Still, hand-made is that bit more special isn't it. So you must have spent the whole day thinking he wasn't going to bother too.
  • katykins
    Posts: 52
    Love to you all xxxx
    Yes I identify here with this - no logic, no rationality, circular conversations going on forever, ranting - such fun!

    Planet - The self-harming is with anything she can get her hand on - pencils (snapped) card (folded to make corners) tablets, swallowing objects (coins, buttons, small pieces from games).

    She did get her leave in the end and we had a mixed day - she gave me an amazing card with such lovely hand written words in it - I cried. Her confidence in the local pub restaurant was amazing and she was open about being in the Priory and talked to the lovely, kind waitress (she can spot a kind person a mile off and vice-versa) at length. She even ordered her own food (usually a high-anxiety activity). There was a small meltdown later in the day but she got though it. She said she has been masking a lot to get community leave.

    She then said to Priory staff at 2 am that she had taken 8 paracetamol and ended up in the local 'normal' hospital for 8 hours. There was no traceable amount of paracetamol in her system and they looked up the blister pack she had and it was 3 years out of date. We think she found an empty packet whilst out with us (maybe in a bin in the washroom) but goes to show there is a very long way to go and she is very wily like a fox! We were watching her all the time..............

    And breathe!
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    We've had similar minor self-harm incidents with eldest like that. Trying to dig her skin into a hard corner or something she's grabbed hold off. The worst, is yanking out her own hair, makes me shudder. I hope I stopped her by telling her it might not grow back.

    Glad you had a nice time in the pub restaurant.

    Oh dear, the painkillers incident, another classic example of PDA lying.
  • Voice
    Posts: 4
    Hi, I have only just found this site and found out about PDA.I am 62 and My daughter is 35 and I have been struggling since she was small, seeing various counsellors to help me, to help her, I have been accused of bad parenting, not letting her grow up, also of as suggestion that my behaviour is MHBP. I split up form her father when she was 7 , he is just the same and backs her up all the time. Now they are both accusing me of a lifetime of emotional abuse towards her. She has rung my cousellor and threatened her with legal action(!) and threatened me that she will go to the police about my behaviour. Th sad thing is that there are good times, and have been and she has relied on my quite heavily throughout her life for support and being there. I have made huge concessions about her behaviour as i have always felt that there was something causing her behaviour. I first thought about autism being one of the explainations just as she was turning 18 and so could get nowhere with the problem. She is extremely abusive towards me at certain times, she doesn't do this to anyone else. however it has become apparent as she has become an adult that her lifestyle is rather different to most. Dhe has a 4 yr old and he and I have had such a lovely relationship , but now she has cut off from me, and withdrawn completely.. she is expecting another baby next week and I think the pressure is so enormous that she is in the mother of all meltdowns. I am trying to cope the best I can with the horrible situation, but her father has tried to get involved and is making things worse, by siding with her and saying I am abusive. I know there are no easy solutions and that i just have to accept what is going on, but it was such a 'relief' to read all of the above posts. it helped me to think i wasn't going mad. In my quest for help i have been passed along a line until i found oout about PDA and this seems to have the explainations I needed to hear. I will find out more fomr the Glamorgan site. I have been referred for more counselling by my doctor but am very wary of mentioning PDA as people seem to think you are looking for obscure reasons to explain your bad parenting.

    Sorry , long winded rambling post. just wanted to join and feel connected.
  • webbwebb
    Posts: 2,551
    Hi Voice

    Hello and welcome to the PDA Society Forum, you are definitely in the right place and I hope we can try to support you.

    There are a lot of parents who are just finding out about PDA and realising this may be what their grown up children may have had all their lives and why they have always been so difficult to parent.

    I am so sorry to hear of the dismissive way professionals have treated you over the years.
    PDA was identified as an Autism Spectrum Disorder approx. 50 years later than Autism and Aspergers Syndrome, so very few professionals would have known about PDA as your daughter was growing up. As you can see from the forum posts, many parents are still fighting to get a diagnosis for their children.

    Does her father have any difficulties himself, as I am surprised he is supportive of her behaviour?

    My own son with PDA is almost 25 and he regularly 'cuts off' family members - usually when they say or do something he doesn't like.

    We usually stay very quiet, don't contact him and usually within a few weeks or 2/3 months he will contact us (because he needs something!).


    Do you think that your daughter will get in touch after she has had the baby? She may need your support. I hope she does.


    Please keep posting so we can support you, I hope the Counselling really helps.
  • Voice
    Posts: 4
    Hi Webb, thanks for your kind and insightful words. yes her father behaves in the same way. usually I back off for a spell, but this time she has contacted me in the spell and accused me of ignoring her...saying it shows i don't cvare. After reading lots more stuff i am clearer now. She has already come through the other end of the tumnne=l and made contact, although now my grandson aged 4 is very uncomfortable around me i have seen him twice .. I am hoping this will pass as he gains confidence with me. We were very close before and had a lovely relationsgio, i saw him several times a week! I will keep researching and no doubt will be back on here. voice x
  • Voice
    Posts: 4
    Hi Webb,

    Just letting you know she had the baby last week and both are doing well. A few days before it she was back on the scene, and gentle and soft and made contact. i just stepped in and drew a line so that we could be there around the time of the birth and so that i could support her and her family. All has gone well and she invited me to the hopsital hours after the baby was born ( after saying originally that i couldn't go on the first day!) She said she wanted me to be the first to see him ( after her 4 yr old son of course). i felt that was her way of saying hom much she values our relationship! Iure i will be back on here for support. Are there any local organisations or professionals around the country who deal with PDA in families. I have had excellent skype coaching online form somebody recommened by the PDA socisity, but wonder about health professionals and peer support ( for me)?
  • webbwebb
    Posts: 2,551
    Hi, I am so pleased to hear all your lovely news, a new baby boy in the family and a relationship has been restored.
    Great to hear you drew a line on the past and accepted your daughters invitation to the hospital to see the baby.

    Really hope you and your daughter will stay close now that there are 2 children to care for :)

    Side By Side ? Details on our website (use the search engine)

    Help For Psychology in Norwich?

    Training Courses - https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/blog/2019/01/upcoming-pda-training-and-events

    Facebook or this Forum

    Local NHS Health professionals may not always understand PDA.
  • Voice
    Posts: 4
    Hi Webb, the 'honeymoon period was short lived. She qwas all soft and gentle and seemed kinder for a while, but it lastedless than a fortnight and now she is back to horrible stuff and texts and asking me to get out of her life and leave her and her family alone. making accusations again about me being controlling and manipulating.I have to respect her wishes and i have told her i willl not contact her again. it is so painful. All this kicked off because my son is due to visit her today with his new twins. ( he wiol have travelled far and this won't happen very often...I asked if i could pop in in my lunchour to see them all together for the first time and have a photo. She went ballistic and said i was guilt tripping her and being controlling and manipulating.

    iIhave so much to learn about how to handle stuff. i tried wordingI even ran it past someone first to se if it read ok without sounjding demanding. but it has resulted in this HUGE list of accusations again of emotional manipulation and contril. MY son doesn't realise how bad the stuff she sends and says to me is, I spoke to him a bit about it last noght but he says he can't engage with it right now as his hands are full... ( i underdstand that, new twins etc) but still feel very sgut. out. he has gone off to visit them as planned, knowing that i have been excluded. but it's not just this exclusion now. I have to step out alltogether, it is my only option. I have had some sessions with side by side and it has been really helpful, but i need something ongoing or a support group. I agree NHS professionals will prpbably know very little. OI get so much stuff about it's mother and daughter stuff... you two have always clashed, its your personalities. I feel it is so unjustified. i have spent years doing courses, parenting skills, slef develoipment etc and have really tried to work on myself to be as compassionate a being as i can at this stage in my evolution.

    there was mention of Glanorgan health authority presenting some paper on PDa oin one of the threads i found but i can't find it again. Any idea about this one? I would like some contacts in WAles
  • webbwebb
    Posts: 2,551
    Hi, really sorry to hear the 'good relationship' was short lived, unfortunately individuals have 'liability of mood' ie Mood Swings due to their anxiety and need for control.

    Maybe she is anxious about having her brother and twins etc round to her house? That will be a big 'social interaction', lots of noise etc OR maybe she wanted her brother to herself as she doesn't see him very often (control) so didn't want you to say anything negative about her to her brother - I'm sure you wouldn't but this may have been her perception of the event?

    So pleased you have had some sessions with Side By Side, I'm sure they will have been very helpful.

    You have done so much to be a good parent and I can hear that you are trying everything to understand your daughter - My son is 24 and every day he still does something I don't understand and find challenging and I have known about PDA for over 10 years!


    There are some face to face support groups but they are few -
    https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/Support-and-advice/pda-support-groups

    Many parents use facebook groups to chat with each other or this forum.

    You can also contact the PDA Society Enquiry Line -
    https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/contact

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