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what controlling behaviors do your kids have
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    Ok, so when my daughter is feeling really anxious the type of behaviors she displays are all about her power or control over not always THAT bad but when it is, i feel like it always is if that makes sense!!

    For instance, she has this thing where she needs to confess stuff to me to clear her mind, been going on a good few years now, nothing will stand in her way if she 'needs' to do this, its like im fair game and it doesnt seem to matter what im doing or who im talking to, she will call me in an angry voice, at best I can delay just about for a five to ten min period (say im eating or something!!) I HAVE to go to her, usually upstairs in the house - we have to be alone with no interruptions

    When she is talking to me and clearing her mind, if she is hungry/angry/tired/anxious/lethargic she gets extremely controlling of me, she will tell me to look at her or get off my phone, she will tell me not to look at her, she will tell me to not stand in a certain way, swallow, sigh ANYTHING (these things dont seem to bother her much when she is in a happy/less stressed state of mind) its like complete control over me - its really not nice i feel like a submissive child, i literally dont know what to do when she gets like that.

    When something has gone wrong - for example the other day she managed to delete 100 photos off of her phone - then i become the target, im the one she needs to control over and take it out on - so I had bought her a birthday present of a mini facial and manicure (i was always dubious about doing anything like this) and just before we were about to leave, she was actually all ready, this photo deleting thing happened. First of all she sat there crying, then when i said we need to go, she got in the car with me and told me not to drive because she needs to 'talk' to me, then she just ranted on and on and expected me to pitch in with the right answer whenever she fired of a question to me, the problem was there was NO right answer so we just kept going round in a loop!! She kept saying 'im so upset, i need my pictures back, i need them back' then i would say 'ok i will try my best to get them back' then she would say 'dont say try - what are you going to do, how sure are you that we can get them back' then i would have to say 100 percent knowing we probably couldnt and then she would just start repeating the same thing again, at which point i would leave the car and go in the house only for her to call me on my phone asking me to come back to the car saying 'i just need one more minute' for me to get back in and the whole controlling loop to start again!!! |This is typical behaviour for her when something goes wrong although she is better but of course when it all blows up i forget about any progress and just assume its all like this.

    Would be interesting to know - if others have this type of controlling mum behavior
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 1,171
    Our daughter certainly knows how to control, however she can alternate who this is directed to, although it's primarily me, and sometimes targets everyone in the house at once! To keep the peace we need to sit where asked, repeat words when told, listen intently, and not do anything else until she has finished talking and says it's ok. We also regularly get shouted at ferociously when we try to have a conversation with someone else, it feels like she always has to control the noise levels and conversations! However, we've learnt these types of instances tend to happen when her stress levels are building and, it's almost like a strategy to help calm, particularly if the participants appear willing/compliant. However if there is resistance or just a momentary lapse in our willingness we'll often head straight into meltdown!

    Not sure this is focussed in quite the same way, but our daughter is 8 and we're sure she's learning to be more creative in her control the more she grows!
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    God, where do I start!

    * forcing me to give particular answers
    * demanding I repeat myself
    * forcing me to listen to an endless, stressful monologue of the tiniest minutiae
    * demanding I answer ridiculous meltdowny things that are not true in the midst of meltdowns
    * following me from room to room to not let me get away from unreasonable behaviour
    * threatening meltdowns if I don't give in
    * making me tell their dad he has stressed/annoyed them (like a mouthpiece)
    * most of what you said mrscoco
    * loads of other things..!

  • katykins
    Posts: 52
    Yes - A lot of this resonates. Our 14 year old is correutly in a CAMHS unit 1.5 hours drive away and on the days we don't visit we get at least one 'meltdown phone call' and she has to scream and rant at me, regardless of whther I say I'm at work etc and want me to 'tell' the staff there what to do or that they are wrong - usually if they have said 'no' to her about something. They are struggling to deal with her PDA and their communication with parents is rubbish and that makes it harder. There are so many staff and they contradict eachother - tricky!
  • June67
    Posts: 855
    Wow katykins they are the 'professionals' and you're all still suffering I feel so bad for all of you. What hope is there for us mere mortals.
    All the behaviours described are so similar to our undiagnosed 10 yr old son who basically treats me and his brother like puppets, as I type he is currently mid meltdown playing a video game with his brother ' no stop you're cheating, no stand there, no your feet are touching no put it over your head and swing down, brother complies but still wins frustration is building, you'll have to stand in the other room no don't move. Constant stream of negative sometimes vicious comments, frustration rising now he's thumped him. Older brother doesn't fight back (miracle but what does that do to his own self esteem) they change game still with younger in charge calmer now but still bossing everyone about. Has just walked in and screamed shut up at me I've not made a sound.
    All of this everyday but still CAMHS say not ASD they don't diagnose or recognise PDA as a diagnosis in our area. According to them it's behavioural and I'm the problem as I don't put boundaries in place. Honestly the situation is making me and the whole family suicidal at times, I worry for his future as if his behaviour was as bad outside the home he'd be in serious bother, and what of future partners etc? Just trying to get through each day. He masks at school so they have no problems and CAMHS believe other 'professionals' over parents everytime.... I'd like them to do 3 months of my life then see who they believe...
    Anyway enough of us just to say thank goodness we've go each other so we know we're not the only ones. Good luck with your journeys.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    June67 video evidence is key! Also some audio so you can capture the flavour of his unreasonableness and controlling behaviour. Boundaries just don't work with PDA children! We've all been there, done it, seen the film and got the t-shirt. ASD is a purely behavioural diagnosis!
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    gosh for some reason, when my daughters controlling behaviors started a few years ago - i could not imagine that anyone else would have the same thing going on with their child controlling them in this way (dont breathe, dont swallow, dont look away, look at me, dont look at me, dont put your hands down, dont fold your arms, dont touch that fabric, dont sigh, why are you talking in that voice, why is your voice different, etc etc etc - I have days like the last few weeks of school holidays, where she has barely done this because she has been so relaxed at home without any real stress and it can sometimes all seem like a distant dream but then like the flick of a switch.........its back
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    as much as i cant bear the controlling behaviours, i can now see then for what they are (before i found this very difficult) however with my daughter, i find when she is like that its better to just shut up and stay calm and quiet as awful as that is because it goes against every fibre of my being - otherwise it goes on even longer!11

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