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When family/friends come over, refusal to say hi
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    I know I'm.probably going to answer my own question here. My parents came over to babysit today and daughter would not come out her room and give them the time of day .... No new behaviours here but sometimes in the past she will at least do the bare minimum, it seems she has this attitude 'i can do what I.like' so when.we were out, my mum said she saw her sneak down to the.kitchen to get some food and she asked her would she say hi to my dad and she just ran upstairs and said hi in a forced way. But then next minute my mum said she could hear her laughing away on.face time to one of her on/off friends and said it just seemed so manipulative of her.... I know it's the pda, but some times I can't even believe it as it seems like she is taking the piss out of us all. Can someone set me straight!!?
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    I agree with you about the doing things deliberately and in a challenging way. There is a definite level of choice going on. In eldest's violent meltdown tonight (I shouldn't complain, there hadn't been one for at least a week!) I saw her consciously looking for things to wreck. There is only so much we can excuse to anxiety. I think this is when the manipulation comes in to it. The PDA governs so much, but they still have to take some responsibility.
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    Yes absolutely, it's like they have been anxious for so long and had so many things adapted for them that there is a certain.amount.of them automatically knowing that they can getaway with whatever they want
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    This is where it gets difficult. How much you 'allow' as they can't help it and where you know the line is that they are pushing limits and boundaries because they feel so secure in lack of serious consequences. I am coming to a realisation, that eldest has been manipulating me at some level for some time. It's not a nice feeling.
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    It's a totally rubbish feeling......it just.looks like she is.manipulative so what to do? We don't often have people over and all I want is the bare minimum.....am in asking too much....It's infuriating
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    Like any child, I think they realise when they have found an easy way out, a way of handling the situation to what they deem to be their benefit. There is an element of self-centredness in ASD, as a child of course they are still growing and learning and empathy in ASD will always be impaired in some way. I wish I knew the answers.

    Like I have just realised, that eldest has deliberately been omitting all positives to do with school to focus only on the negatives. I know it's an avoidance behaviour because she probably thought in her head it justified school-refusal etc. but I feel quite conned. I think it's been a campaign of making me feel sorry for her. I don't think the whole thing is made-up, I do think school has really stressed her, I do think she has found it very difficult, but I feel kind of used. Like she saw that I listened to her voice, believed her pain (some of which could have been exaggerated, not because she doesn't really feel that way, but her reactions being very disproportionate to the difficulty) and used that, used me as her voice to avoid speaking up herself, because she knew she wasn't demonstrating much in the way of difficulties in school (which I have put down to masking).

    Perhaps the avoidance of speaking up in school herself was because she at some level knew, that it wasn't as severe as she was demonstrating and that it wouldn't convince the school. But that it suited her to show it as severe through extreme behaviours at home, to 'prove' to me it was as serious as she claimed. All to manipulate me because she wanted to avoid school. This is how it now looks to me. And I feel really upset that my own child would use me that way. Especially because of what I have been through as a result of her school-refusal. I truly hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.

    So back to your daughter, there could be an element of what I describe above in what she's doing. And maybe this is the true manipulative part of PDA.
  • mrscoco
    Posts: 190
    Thanks planet, - it does make me see things a lot clearer and make sense but its just driving me bonkers, i mean its so simple - say hello and then you can go and do whatever you like, why cant she just say hello - these are not strangers these are her grandparents she has grown up around her whole life!!!
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188
    I think at adolescence and teen years, the pressures of everything just mounts up and up and silly little things like saying hello become a lot more of a demand. ~X(
  • shazbut
    Posts: 5
    im new to this so how do i reply to mrscoco cos i think she would be a great help for me. My PDA daughter though diagnosed with aspergers pulled my hair and pulled my clothes when driving as so angry i would not get her what she demanded. Help
  • shazbut
    Posts: 5
    Shes 14!!!!!!
  • Holly59
    Posts: 2,586

    shazbut said:

    im new to this so how do i reply to mrscoco cos i think she would be a great help for me. My PDA daughter though diagnosed with aspergers pulled my hair and pulled my clothes when driving as so angry i would not get her what she demanded. Help



    If you press the quote link on her link you can reply . That way mrscoco gets an email because her name is mentioned . She will get one now because I have mentioned her name .

    You can send a PM by pressing the messages on the top bar, go to the right of the page once it's opens , start a new message , put in the persons name and type your message .

    Pat xx
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 4,188

    shazbut said:

    im new to this so how do i reply to mrscoco cos i think she would be a great help for me. My PDA daughter though diagnosed with aspergers pulled my hair and pulled my clothes when driving as so angry i would not get her what she demanded. Help



    We had that with youngest (11 at the time) attacking me and hitting me whilst I was driving! I was at the point of buying a harness to attach to the seat to keep her back. Not happened for a while though so I am hoping it's stopped.

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