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  • aliveit
    Posts: 26
    Hello,
    So we r still confused over our son charlie,8.
    Have now had skype interview with judy eaton where she definitely felt there were many pda behaviours.
    I've been back up the school today to see his teacher, on my request not hers, because i'm never sure if charlie is inventing stories.
    In theory, no problems at school. One of the brighte st in the class, participates, seems to find everything easy. No language issues, no comprehension issues, great at maths problems at.
    Yet at home starting to refuse to do homework, it's too hard, he doesn't understand etc but the teacher says it shouldn't pose a problem. He's also claimed a meltdown was due to a bad grade in an evaluation but he got an A.
    He managed to convince school nurse he needed glasses last week but after trip to opticians it's not the case.
    Started to show subtle signs at school, teacher noticed he likes to dominate and be the first at everything. He doesn't like being told off and will deny He's done stuff when He's been caught at it. She can't tell me who his best friend is but seems to get along with everyone, although seems to take playground games too far..
    I'm confused because judy Eaton said maybe he was starting to find the work hard and that was the cause for meltdowns but he only seems to be finding it hard in his head.
    Has anyone else known a case of pda where there are no school work issues except imagined ones?
    Thanks
    Alison
  • Our youngest frequently says things are happening at school that I used to believe but now realise are entire distortions. We just got her school report, mostly As and comments about all the children in her class liking her. Yet she comes home most days saying "why do all the children hate me" and a range of alleged incidents that they have done mean things to her. I just don't know what to believe any more, she sounds so plausible which is perhaps the most worrying aspect of it. It's the anxiety that is making him believe the work is hard. They don't seem to see reality as it really is. Youngest was in a panic at having exams all week very recently and saying they expected her to remember all this stuff but she passed everything with flying colours. I think your son probably does have PDA.
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 610
    We have experienced imagined school work issues too, she also imagines other incidents which can be so plausible we have to take care how we respond!!
  • aliveit
    Posts: 26
    Thank you for your comments. They were interesting and helpful.

    I guess i'm still looking for some developmental delays or some lack of comprehension within his school work as this would help me associate his problems more with autism, but maybe this doesn't have to be the case. Maybe his distorted view on reality is enough in itself.

    Really, really struggling with everything at the moment. if i'm alone with him i can cope but when my oldest and my little one are there i don't know who to deal with first. My distraught furious, violent possible pdaer, my eldest writhing on the floor in tears because he's been kicked punched and had his hair pulled, or my youngest terrified by his screaming and the fact that he keeps taking her toys to use as weapons. We cannot all be together for more than 5minutes before all hell breaks loose! I'm trying to think of the techniques all the time, but most of the time i just land up dragging him out the room, restraining him, blocking him elsewhere, and then chasing him as he manages to get past me and runs back towards his siblings on the attack. How can i break this cycle?

    I want to use the problem solving techniques of Dr greene but i can't get him to participate or communicate at all. And there never seems to be a moment when he is calm or happy anymore to broach the subject.

    Should i be pushing for medication to help us all through this bad time? It seems wrong though... I probably won't get any as the psychologists just keep telling me 'he's fine', no illness or condition to worry about and some family therapy sessions will sort it all out!

    I just want to be able to help everyone and i'm just not enough!

    Sorry for going on, you've all got enough on your plates.

    Alison
  • Holly59
    Posts: 2,263

    aliveit said:

    Thank you for your comments. They were interesting and helpful.

    I guess i'm still looking for some developmental delays or some lack of comprehension within his school work as this would help me associate his problems more with autism, but maybe this doesn't have to be the case. Maybe his distorted view on reality is enough in itself.

    Really, really struggling with everything at the moment. if i'm alone with him i can cope but when my oldest and my little one are there i don't know who to deal with first. My distraught furious, violent possible pdaer, my eldest writhing on the floor in tears because he's been kicked punched and had his hair pulled, or my youngest terrified by his screaming and the fact that he keeps taking her toys to use as weapons. We cannot all be together for more than 5minutes before all hell breaks loose! I'm trying to think of the techniques all the time, but most of the time i just land up dragging him out the room, restraining him, blocking him elsewhere, and then chasing him as he manages to get past me and runs back towards his siblings on the attack. How can i break this cycle?

    I want to use the problem solving techniques of Dr greene but i can't get him to participate or communicate at all. And there never seems to be a moment when he is calm or happy anymore to broach the subject.

    Should i be pushing for medication to help us all through this bad time? It seems wrong though... I probably won't get any as the psychologists just keep telling me 'he's fine', no illness or condition to worry about and some family therapy sessions will sort it all out!

    I just want to be able to help everyone and i'm just not enough!

    Sorry for going on, you've all got enough on your plates.

    Alison



    Hi Alison ,
    So sorry to hear of your continuing issues .

    Homework is a major issue for my youngest and to some degree the eldest . Add on Demand Avoidance .

    http://www.autism.org.uk/about/in-education/homework.aspx

    If the homework causes so much distress ask the school could they make alternative arrangements , may be do the homework in school or due to the extreme anxiety be excused ,

    http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=76

    Until everyone uses the same Stratagies , siblings , yourselves and school no amount of medication will work .

    I presume your son is at an English School. Have you shown the teachers the Educational Webinar ?

    https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/webinars

    You all have to be consistent . It won’t work overnight but eventually you will see a difference .

    Pat xx
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 3,855

    I guess i'm still looking for some developmental delays or some lack of comprehension within his school work as this would help me associate his problems more with autism, but maybe this doesn't have to be the case.



    Developmental delay doesn't mean LD. If he is on the spectrum, he will have had developmental issues with socialising and communication, possibly playing also. He might also have been late to do things such as talking, walking, sitting up, crawling (or may never have crawled), eating issues and toilet training. His difficulties with his siblings and behavioural issues could also be considered a developmental delay, akin to a toddler.

    Many autistics are above average intelligence and some genius level/savant.

    Medication isn't always successful for PDA, you can but try.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 26
    Hi thanks again for your input.
    My son is in a french school and they've barely any knowledge on autism let alone pda.
    Very backwards as far as any mental health issues.

    I will definitely need a diagnosis before i can get them to react and even then i'm not sure how things will play out.
    My son is bilingual... i wonder if this is a demand in itself but if i don't insist on the english communication with my family will get harder and harder.



    Getting his brother to accept that the problems are out of charlies control is a feat in itself. I've shown him the site and bought books but he maintains rigidly that charlie reacts the way he does on purpose!

    I'm struggling to get support on pda or other alternative strategies from everyone else. I feel like its me against the world. Thats why a diagnosis is important for all of us, pda ,dmdd or other.

    Take care

    Alison
  • EKS
    Posts: 8
    Hi, I recognise your situation so much. I really feel for you. Did it just kind of explode out of the blue? My daughter has always had some challenging behaviour but this last bout - which has been the longest - just kind of came out of nowhere after a really good stretch. She is also 8.

    In terms of how to interact as a family we scaled things back to two rules - (1) no aggression and (2) no vicious threatening language. If one of those happened (if possible) I would move myself and her little sister into the living room and close the door and say the boundary of the door had to be respected. If she couldn't respect it I would have to put her somewhere where I could contain her (the conservatory is the only lockable space). If she was out of control aggressive I would remind her to go to her safe space and calm down but if she couldn't do it I would calmly manoeuvre her into the conservatory and lock the door. It is a glass door so she could see me. I would give her a minute and it would usually be enough for her to get herself together to the point where she could remove herself to a safe space - her bedroom for instance until she could calm down. We then have had to work very hard at re-integration as she will come flying back attempting to apologise and start hanging onto my littlest ones neck and cause more upset. We have modelled and acting out apologies and she now knows to keep her distance and not make her apology threatening.

    Encourage him to make himself a safe space when he is calm and keep persevering with getting him to go to that safe space and calm down. Often getting absorbed into something helps DD calm down.

    I have found over time when dd is crashing into me and being very annoying she generally is trying to find a way to ask for comfort. Now when she erupts I can sometimes go to her and sit and hug her or take her off to do something that is calming - stirring food or some activity that is tactile or calming.

    At school they are not doing much. I also have no diagnosis. But I have made them play classical music or opera during class time as DD finds it very calming. Our school, like yours, recognise nothing as DD is the model student. Above average in everything and lovely and articulate and responsive. My biggest problem is procrastination and delay in getting to school in the mornings which are a nightmare.

    I am seeing a slow improvement in my daughter. She has started art psychotherapy too and that seems to help. Also I bought her the "I am an aspie girl" book as I suspect she has Asperger's and she has really taken to it. I think perhaps this latest bout of difficulty has come from some form of understanding on her behalf that she is different and she reacts differently to certain situations. I think for her finding an understanding and explanation would be very reassuring. The attention we have given the problem - the school trying to gently problem solve and work out strategies for her - us adjusting the home situation (allowing for huge amounts of just chilling at the weekend for example) and the art psychotherapy has undoubtedly made her feel like she is being heard and I am seeing a shift.
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 610
    Alison - I'll send you a PM. xxx

    EKS - sounds like you are doing a great job here. We often have to remove our daughter unfortunately we're not at the stage where she can calm herself within a couple of minutes and go to her safe space on her own... however you offer me hope! Thanks for sharing.
  • PDA_ASD_Parent
    Posts: 3,855
    Join the club RhanH. Both of ours will follow me screaming if I try to remove myself from the situation and will scream out really extreme stuff until I open the door and go back into the room they are in. They will not ever remove themselves and are too big for me to remove them.
  • EKS
    Posts: 8
    RhanH and PDA_ASD_Parent - I should add the caveat that the scenario where she removes herself is on a good day! We certainly have the following me around and screaming at me too. In fact we had that for years and years I do somewhat sense (although maybe I am being optimistic) that she is getting better and better at consciously withdrawing before she blows up or at some point early on before things escalate too much. It is a mixed bag though as I don't want her to internalise more as a consequence of removing herself to calm down... I would much rather have it all thrown at me than brewing somewhere. I was a brewer and it made for very very very difficult teenage years.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 26
    Yep nowhere near the withdrawing stage. I did build him a den in the summer which he slept in for 8 weeks even though the mattress was baby sized, but when he was in meltdown he would tear it down.

    However, i'm thankful for this morning, which is st. Nicolas in france. Thought it might guarantee explosions but all went calmly and he spent all breakfast with his head in the book i got him. Reading at the table used to be forbidden, but anything to keep him calm now.

    He has also found a special friendship book that he had lost for the past week, which caused great anxiety. So here's to small mercy's.

    Happy St. Nicolas day to you all!!!

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