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the more we tell him not to do it the worse it gets
  • sarah1975
    Posts: 10
    Hi can anyone give some advice in regards to my sons abusive and rasist wording he does it even when he is calm and in a good mood but the more i try to explain to him that its not appropiate then he says it all the more and it gets louder and louder . alot of the time i have to just say calmly please dont say those words his arnswer is im not going to say it to them am i .The thing is he had his appiontment last week to see his physictrist normaly he would just sit on his phone and not ingage but this time was coming out with words like your an asian,or your a jew and calling us a racsit and i think she was shocked she said she thinks its a deflection to the questions or the situation he was in but he does it all the time at home even when he is calm. i am worried that he may say this at a time when we are in the street. He starts his new school in september and worried what they will say does anyone have any ideas i can try to explain to him he cant shout those sort of things out thanks sarah
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 1,108
    I guess I would initially ask, although your son appears calm, is he actually calm inside or perhaps masking something?

    Often the language can be a coping mechanism, although it can also be learnt behaviour. My daughter never used to swear until she started using school transport. Then she began to swear when in meltdown (although seemed to have no recollection of it) then a little later it began to come out as anxiety grew and now she’s beginning to put it in normal conversation. When not in crisis we try to either ignore or ask for language we want to hear but it has put us in a few tricky spots in public, a 9 year old swearing incessantly at their parents is not tolerated very well by others!

    Remember PDA children can also do things for shock value to get a response. Your son has said he wouldn’t say racist comments to people but sometimes they just can’t help it.

    During calmer moments we’re trying to teach our daughter about social etiquette and what Society considers acceptable but it’s not easy. We try to use examples of things that have happened that she can understand and try to help her see how her comments may make others feel. We’re also trying to work with her to find out if there are particular things that cause this reaction so we can offer alternative ideas or words to help her.

    School are also trying to work with us on this. You may find this article interesting, it is a couple of years old but it highlights the importance of teaching our children social context and why it’s vital to safeguarding: https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/specialneedsjungle.com/teaching-social-context-to-children-with-autism-and-why-its-vital-for-safeguarding/amp/

    I hope you can find a positive way to help your son recognise how his words can cause upset to others.
  • sarah1975
    Posts: 10
    Thank you very much for your advice it makes so much sense .He has been out of school now for just over 2 years and finaly we have a placement in a very good setting but im worried they are not going to understand as pda is not recognised in suffolk its very frustrating that they may just see him as a horrible little boy knowing to well that he isnt many thanks
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 1,108
    Although PDA may not be recognised in Suffolk for diagnosis there is no reason why strategies cannot be tried within a school setting. I presume your son's new school are aware that he has been out of school for two years therefore they are prepared to work with him and help him re-engage within a school setting. There is information on our site for teachers that may help with their understanding of PDA: https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/education/teachers-guide & https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/education/educational-and-handling-guidelines.

    Also have you come across a blog by Starlight & Stories? There are two really good articles that many of our schools locally have been prepared to read and try the strategies suggested: https://starlightandstories.com/2018/01/17/easy-ways-schools-can-reduce-the-demands-placed-on-students-with-pathalogical-demand-avoidance-pda-to-achieve-better-outcomes/ and https://starlightandstories.com/2017/12/10/pathological-demand-avoidance-what-mainstream-secondary-school-teachers-need-to-know/

    Hopefully if you can provide school with specific information to help, they will recognise the difficulties and be able to try some of the ideas, as I'm sure they'll want the placement to be successful as much as you.
  • sarah1975
    Posts: 10
    Hi yes they are being very good but they were not informed with enough information about his needs from the education department and were not very happy i have had to print of most of his medical history myself for them to be updated thank you so much for the links
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 1,108
    Oh dear.... at least you found out before he started the placement and can help guide them through.
    Take care.

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