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Help, how to deal with normal naughty behaviour.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 69
    This afternoon my son 9,asked me for a sweet. I told him we were about to go out for ice cream for a treat as his friend is over but he could have some with the film planned 4 him and friend tonight.
    I turn my back for a few seconds and he says he needs to go to the toilet. When he comes out he is trying to hide the fact he is eating a sweet. This is just blatant naughtiness... but what to do. Have said he wont be able to have any tonight as its not fair on his friend and brother that he has had one now, he just slammed door in my face,.. but i know when i impose this later he will go mad ( he is very violent)and i dont know what to do to avoid it.
    Just give in and let him constantly disrespect me, as he does this kind of thing all the time.
    I didn't say no, i offered an alternative, but i am generally at a loss as to what else i could have done... but i cant bring myself to say yes to everything!!! There must be other solutions!! Oh yes and will be moving sweets somewhere inaccessible from now on, but what to do tonight?
    Thanks
    Alison
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 1,108
    Maybe there is no avoiding it tonight, unless you choose to forget as his friend is round. How is the evening going?

    If there is a next time could you get him to choose between having his suggestion of sweets now or the ice-cream you thought might be a nice treat & sweets later? It might be easier for him to accept his own decision. If he struggles with processing he may just have had in his head I’m going to ask for and have a sweet but the ‘no’ didn’t compute and it was too hard to stop!

    I often think our daughter is trying it on and indeed sometimes she is but I have noticed that when she gets excited, especially if friends are over, she just can’t manage a ‘no’ and she’ll try to do what she wants to do regardless. We then try to work out a plan for next time during the calm moments and remind her what behaviour is acceptable, that she needs to listen to adults and respect what they tell her.

    If she misses out it tends to be there and then as she can’t understand the consequence if it occurs much later. Not sure how helpful this is...
  • SGCmum
    Posts: 84
    Hi. I have spent years handing out consequences with no effect on behaviour at all. I just felt like I ought to do something. Obviously you can't say yes to everything but there are easier ways to say no, such as acknowledging the disappointment as your childs plan didnt work out . Although I am new to this I find just explaining the behaviour wasn't acceptable in a calm ( if possible) voice is no less beneficial than handing out a conseuence. I am by no means an expert but I've learned the hard way that consewuenced do not change future behaviour. Good luck.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 69
    Hi thanks. Its true I THOUGHT the ice cream was a nice treat but , next time will think to offer option only and b4 i tell his sister and friend as i did today. He didn't want to come with us at all after, but i told him where we were going if he wanted to join us and left.... he then followed us, mission impossible style till we got to the shop, to which i said nothing except what flavour do u want, once he arrived.
    The playdate was not good... the poor friend had had enough at one point of being controlled or ignored and wanted to go home.
    When the dreaded sweet option came during the film, my son declared if he couldn't have sweets no one could and turned off the film 4 everyone. I didnt engage in the argument and just said i was getting his dad up to help find a solution to the problem as a team( yesterday he said i couldn't handle my own kids as i always had to call daddy, so i decided to present it differently!) I wasn't sure what would happen, i was surprised he'd gone that far in front of friends bit its happening more and more. I offered 2 more alternatives to sweets , dad had my back, and said i'd be back in 10 minutes to prepare their snack. When i got back charlie choose grudgingly but calmly an alternative and luckily so did the other 3 boys.... ouff... meltdown avoided!
    I know consequences dont work, but when i explain to him his behaviour is unacceptable he generally laughs in my face so i'm not sure that works either, and i guess i felt socially pressured by friends presence to react, even though i know its unhelpful.
    I know his day had been ruined as his friend should have slept the night and couldn't....
    Oh... still so much to learn and each scenario requires handling differently..
    Thanks 4 your advice
    Alison
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 1,108
    There has been a natural consequence to the behaviour, his friend didn’t stay, that may have more of an impact and it’s something that you could raise in conversation if you want to plan ahead for anoher time.

    It sounds like you managed the situation really well, I like the team approach!

    Hope the rest of your eve goes ok.
  • SGCmum
    Posts: 84
    It sounds like you did a good job in difficult circumstances. My daughter (11) will tell me I'm telling tales if I involved her dad so I know what you mean. I also understand about being under pressure from others. I once allowed a friend to force my child to eat some brocalli, saying no one could have pudding until she did. She was humiliated and I hugely regret it now. It's hard when you're feeling judged.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 69
    Thanks! Today is a new day!

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