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Trying to be positive!!!
  • aliveit
    Posts: 58
    Hello,
    Since my sons diagnosis in march and probably 4 years before that i've been spiralling into a chasm of negativity and depression... Days that are so hard that i no longer know who i am, arguments, extreme violence, sadness and more sadness and days when i just don't know if i can keep going...
    But, this is not me.... i am a glass half full person... i need to drag myself up.
    I normally post on here when things are so bad i have no where else to turn, but...
    I've decided to post on here everytime i get my pdaer( and his unaccepting brother) to do anything positive.
    Please feel free to add your threads of positivity!

    27th august
    Got my 2 boys 9 and 11 respectively to sit for half an hour and do some school revision... no arguments and work done well! 30 minutes tablet as reward, so 1h peace.. 1 point to mummy!!
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 832
    What a great idea..... we’re on holiday in Norfolk and I’ve been wondering why we try, but we actually managed a 30 min walk on the beach without an argument today; we even saw some seals swimming in the sea! :-)
  • aliveit
    Posts: 58
    Here's to making more positive holiday memories! Good luck and take care.
  • SGCmum
    Posts: 36
    I love your idea. I was really pleased yesterday because my 18 year old gave me helpful advice about how to handle my 11 year olds anxiety ( both I strongly feel PDA). It was helpful for me , my youngest, and gave me the opportunity to praise my oldest. So we all felt better as a result. Very positive.
  • June67
    Posts: 548
    A great idea which does work in helping to shift your focus onto the tiny good things rather than the sometimes overwhelming negatives that wear us down. I've been trying to keep a note of the good things each day for a few months now, it began with small things like 'Today no one banged on the bathroom door whilst I was in the loo' and other similar small things and has progressed to greater ones like 'we have had breakfast as a family for a whole week now' and 'the boys have played together/side by side on their games and helped each other most of the day so I was able to clean the kitchen properly.' Changing my focus from the negative to the positive has help me reduce my stress levels which has a knock on effect to the rest of the family and how I handle issues when they arise.
  • HarHer
    Posts: 224
    My eldest son is helping a friend with her paper round and has started driving lessons. These are huge steps forward for him.
  • June67
    Posts: 548
    That's great news HarHer; mine is youngest has walked down the stairs in the morning for the past few days rather than insisting on being carried, he has also walked up and down to the loo most of the time too. A small step but literally a weight off my shoulders (or back), hope it continues! Also we have had no shouting or fighting yet today and eldest has managed to keep swearing down despite having to do what youngest wants first thing both are eating lunch so and are busy so I'm grabbing a shower while I can.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 58
    After a bad meeting with school headmaster, where i distinctly got the impression that seeing as my son mainly masks at school, he is not their problem and they don't have the time or desire to help, i'm trying to keep up the positives!

    29/08/2018
    My son asked me to walk with him to the school, even though it's still closed, to see something. He wouldn't tell me what, and of course i had to drop everything that instant to do it, but he held my hand the whole way and then sweetly showed me his name had been put up on the class lists for next week... a simple thing for us, but for him, and even though i don't know why, there wasa real pride to see his name on the list.... I think maybe feeling part of something again after the lack of routine during the hols. Anyway, he was happy, and therefore so was I.
  • Rubytuesday
    Posts: 162
    Love this idea :) We’ve had a massive success today... My daughter went to the hairdressers for the first time in 3 years!!! She suggested it herself, I was slightly apprehensive but went with it. Some of you will know about our ongoing hair issues... so lovely to see her with shiny, tangle free hair :) Had a funny conversation on way back too which gave me a window into her world, she said she doesn’t care what the back of her hair looks like because she can’t see it... Think she’s starting to understand herself a bit more.
  • June67
    Posts: 548
    So pleased for you, her view on things reminds me of when my youngest kept insisting on turning his duvet cover round so he could see it when he was asleep! Youngest wanted to play word association today it was hard not to laugh as his train of thought was obvious and he just followed his own path regardless of what I said in my turn but at least he took turns eh?
  • June67
    Posts: 548
    Youngest is dressed today so we could open the curtains and see the daylight; his uncle was coming to visit for a couple of hours and he didn't want to be seen in his Pjs!
  • aliveit
    Posts: 58
    3/09/2018
    Played hide and seek with my son and his youngest brother for 10minutes at lunch, despite anxiety at all time high because of back to school stress!
  • My daughter managed to attend a family party this weekend :) we went to visit the venue first so she was familiar with it, and on the day we left as soon as she’d had enough. She stayed for about 2 hours and was exhausted the next day but she did it! I think she’s starting to trust that we won’t push her too much, and we’ll leave when she needs to go, which is helping her to do things she couldn’t do a few months ago.
  • June67
    Posts: 548
    Such great news definitely think a little by little approach is the way that works most .
    Our good news; went back to work today husband had both boys, all well, no phone calls to me during the day, no trips to hospital needed and he remembered to feed them. Eldest still stressed about returning to school but youngest tolerated me packing his pencil case and new calculator into his bag and even coped with some brief talk about tomorrow- still no movement on getting close to the uniform though...fingers crossed for tomorrow
  • June67
    Posts: 548
    Good news today after a couple of meltdowns and lots of quiet encouragement I managed to get youngest to his new secondary school in uniform on time (almost). When he came home he said it wasn't as bad as he'd expected! How did I get him there? I gave him time and space and tried to reduce the pressure as much as I could and let him go backwards on some things to give himself comfort until he said I think I'm looking forward to cooking and said he was trying hard to think of the good things about it. I am so proud of his big achievement; he chose to change his mindset and made it through this big day with some support and encouragement.
  • HarHer
    Posts: 224
    This is brilliant news, June. The fact that your son thought things through and developed a strategy that worked is excellent.

    I hope tomorrow is just as good.
  • What fantastic news June xx
  • June67
    Posts: 548
    Both boys to school in uniform and on time just.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 58
    My son had a really positive week on new teachers behaviour chart! I am really proud of all he achieves at school!
    Maybe i should try behaviour charts again at home... or maybe not!!!
  • June67
    Posts: 548
    Youngest has been to new school every day and has appeared to enjoy most parts relatively well. Yesterday he was excited to go because he had cookery; he came home eager to practise chopping fruit for the fruit salad he will make next week and helped me make dinner last night. Double win; he is doing something independently with some success and he has been eating more fruit and less chocolate and sweets. It probably won't last but I celebrate it while it does.
    Also managed to get them both to the dentist without issue and had some positive feedback from dentist about how well older one is doing with his brushing.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 58
    Hi
    So good to follow your threads of positivity!
    Last week, 6 months after his diagnosis, and at the end of a particularly harrowing meltdown, my son took a massive step.
    He said that 'it was my fault he had this illness'. Hard to hear, yes, but its the first time he's ever admitted that there is a reason for his behaviour. If he's starting to accept his condition then surely we can start helping him to understand it and lead him towards a brighter future.
    Also, have been given an appointment with the school doctor to discuss his condition officially, and not been snubbed as i felt was the case.
    And... yes there is more... nightime anxiety has calmed this past week. Yes, the days have been tough but tonight i got to sit down in front of eastenders at 9h30 and eat my dinner in peace, all 3 children fast asleep... i'll make the most of it while it lasts!
  • June67
    Posts: 548
    Good news! Hope the peaceful dinner was great. Talking of dinner; youngest has developed and obsession with cooking since doing one session of food technology last week! At least he's off a screen for part of the day. Our other positive is a simple one today; despite younger one almost getting a late detention yesterday we were on time for school in uniform without much fuss this morning. Then elder one was praising younger for it and commenting on how it felt nice to be much calmer.
  • HarHer
    Posts: 224
    Hi,

    Great news. It is really reassuring to read these threads.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 58
    Hi
    Before anything negative happens i'll write down todays positive.
    My son played with his little sister all lunch time without switching personality every five minutes and terrifying her. We all played hide and seek and he even ate his dinner on the condition it was swimming in gravy.
    A much needed calm 2 hours!
  • Can’t quite put my finger on why... but we’ve had a much more positive few weeks. My daughter just seems generally calmer and happier. Life still has its challenges but I’m starting to see glimpses of my happier little girl :)
  • June67
    Posts: 548
    Such good news! Savour all the good bits they will change your perspective; then you will be calmer and they might be also, for a while at least.
    Our good news; on time for school each day (just) and slowly becoming a bit less stressful. managed to get eldest to podiatrist to get his foot treated without major incident although the angry meltdowns later at his game showed how much stress he was under, youngest still obsessed with cooking something every day but we are working in ways to make it manageable and his scones are delicious! I'm taking it as a chance to do something away from a screen which helps him to gain confidence, independence and spend some time with me. Last night he wanted to teach his dad how to make something. At least he won't starve as an adult if a diet of salad, fruit salad, scones, biscuits and doughnuts will suffice. I'll have to try and get him to move onto more main courses but that's tricky with his pickiness, maybe we can try to do homemade chicken nuggets!
  • June67
    Posts: 548
    Our good news, youngest completed a piece of homework yesterday on time with support without a fuss. And yes, we are still cooking something of his choice every day, yesterday we made our own pitta bread which he chose to fill with chicken and steak strips and of course barbecue sauce. Maybe the positive cooking took some of the school stress away so he could face the homework? Still managing to get both boys to school and only a couple of minutes late.. (I'm still working on the punctuality bit.)

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