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Trying to be positive!!!
  • aliveit
    Posts: 61
    Hello,
    Since my sons diagnosis in march and probably 4 years before that i've been spiralling into a chasm of negativity and depression... Days that are so hard that i no longer know who i am, arguments, extreme violence, sadness and more sadness and days when i just don't know if i can keep going...
    But, this is not me.... i am a glass half full person... i need to drag myself up.
    I normally post on here when things are so bad i have no where else to turn, but...
    I've decided to post on here everytime i get my pdaer( and his unaccepting brother) to do anything positive.
    Please feel free to add your threads of positivity!

    27th august
    Got my 2 boys 9 and 11 respectively to sit for half an hour and do some school revision... no arguments and work done well! 30 minutes tablet as reward, so 1h peace.. 1 point to mummy!!
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 882
    What a great idea..... we’re on holiday in Norfolk and I’ve been wondering why we try, but we actually managed a 30 min walk on the beach without an argument today; we even saw some seals swimming in the sea! :-)
  • aliveit
    Posts: 61
    Here's to making more positive holiday memories! Good luck and take care.
  • SGCmum
    Posts: 48
    I love your idea. I was really pleased yesterday because my 18 year old gave me helpful advice about how to handle my 11 year olds anxiety ( both I strongly feel PDA). It was helpful for me , my youngest, and gave me the opportunity to praise my oldest. So we all felt better as a result. Very positive.
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    A great idea which does work in helping to shift your focus onto the tiny good things rather than the sometimes overwhelming negatives that wear us down. I've been trying to keep a note of the good things each day for a few months now, it began with small things like 'Today no one banged on the bathroom door whilst I was in the loo' and other similar small things and has progressed to greater ones like 'we have had breakfast as a family for a whole week now' and 'the boys have played together/side by side on their games and helped each other most of the day so I was able to clean the kitchen properly.' Changing my focus from the negative to the positive has help me reduce my stress levels which has a knock on effect to the rest of the family and how I handle issues when they arise.
  • HarHer
    Posts: 244
    My eldest son is helping a friend with her paper round and has started driving lessons. These are huge steps forward for him.
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    That's great news HarHer; mine is youngest has walked down the stairs in the morning for the past few days rather than insisting on being carried, he has also walked up and down to the loo most of the time too. A small step but literally a weight off my shoulders (or back), hope it continues! Also we have had no shouting or fighting yet today and eldest has managed to keep swearing down despite having to do what youngest wants first thing both are eating lunch so and are busy so I'm grabbing a shower while I can.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 61
    After a bad meeting with school headmaster, where i distinctly got the impression that seeing as my son mainly masks at school, he is not their problem and they don't have the time or desire to help, i'm trying to keep up the positives!

    29/08/2018
    My son asked me to walk with him to the school, even though it's still closed, to see something. He wouldn't tell me what, and of course i had to drop everything that instant to do it, but he held my hand the whole way and then sweetly showed me his name had been put up on the class lists for next week... a simple thing for us, but for him, and even though i don't know why, there wasa real pride to see his name on the list.... I think maybe feeling part of something again after the lack of routine during the hols. Anyway, he was happy, and therefore so was I.
  • Rubytuesday
    Posts: 178
    Love this idea :) We’ve had a massive success today... My daughter went to the hairdressers for the first time in 3 years!!! She suggested it herself, I was slightly apprehensive but went with it. Some of you will know about our ongoing hair issues... so lovely to see her with shiny, tangle free hair :) Had a funny conversation on way back too which gave me a window into her world, she said she doesn’t care what the back of her hair looks like because she can’t see it... Think she’s starting to understand herself a bit more.
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    So pleased for you, her view on things reminds me of when my youngest kept insisting on turning his duvet cover round so he could see it when he was asleep! Youngest wanted to play word association today it was hard not to laugh as his train of thought was obvious and he just followed his own path regardless of what I said in my turn but at least he took turns eh?
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Youngest is dressed today so we could open the curtains and see the daylight; his uncle was coming to visit for a couple of hours and he didn't want to be seen in his Pjs!
  • aliveit
    Posts: 61
    3/09/2018
    Played hide and seek with my son and his youngest brother for 10minutes at lunch, despite anxiety at all time high because of back to school stress!
  • My daughter managed to attend a family party this weekend :) we went to visit the venue first so she was familiar with it, and on the day we left as soon as she’d had enough. She stayed for about 2 hours and was exhausted the next day but she did it! I think she’s starting to trust that we won’t push her too much, and we’ll leave when she needs to go, which is helping her to do things she couldn’t do a few months ago.
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Such great news definitely think a little by little approach is the way that works most .
    Our good news; went back to work today husband had both boys, all well, no phone calls to me during the day, no trips to hospital needed and he remembered to feed them. Eldest still stressed about returning to school but youngest tolerated me packing his pencil case and new calculator into his bag and even coped with some brief talk about tomorrow- still no movement on getting close to the uniform though...fingers crossed for tomorrow
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Good news today after a couple of meltdowns and lots of quiet encouragement I managed to get youngest to his new secondary school in uniform on time (almost). When he came home he said it wasn't as bad as he'd expected! How did I get him there? I gave him time and space and tried to reduce the pressure as much as I could and let him go backwards on some things to give himself comfort until he said I think I'm looking forward to cooking and said he was trying hard to think of the good things about it. I am so proud of his big achievement; he chose to change his mindset and made it through this big day with some support and encouragement.
  • HarHer
    Posts: 244
    This is brilliant news, June. The fact that your son thought things through and developed a strategy that worked is excellent.

    I hope tomorrow is just as good.
  • What fantastic news June xx
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Both boys to school in uniform and on time just.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 61
    My son had a really positive week on new teachers behaviour chart! I am really proud of all he achieves at school!
    Maybe i should try behaviour charts again at home... or maybe not!!!
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Youngest has been to new school every day and has appeared to enjoy most parts relatively well. Yesterday he was excited to go because he had cookery; he came home eager to practise chopping fruit for the fruit salad he will make next week and helped me make dinner last night. Double win; he is doing something independently with some success and he has been eating more fruit and less chocolate and sweets. It probably won't last but I celebrate it while it does.
    Also managed to get them both to the dentist without issue and had some positive feedback from dentist about how well older one is doing with his brushing.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 61
    Hi
    So good to follow your threads of positivity!
    Last week, 6 months after his diagnosis, and at the end of a particularly harrowing meltdown, my son took a massive step.
    He said that 'it was my fault he had this illness'. Hard to hear, yes, but its the first time he's ever admitted that there is a reason for his behaviour. If he's starting to accept his condition then surely we can start helping him to understand it and lead him towards a brighter future.
    Also, have been given an appointment with the school doctor to discuss his condition officially, and not been snubbed as i felt was the case.
    And... yes there is more... nightime anxiety has calmed this past week. Yes, the days have been tough but tonight i got to sit down in front of eastenders at 9h30 and eat my dinner in peace, all 3 children fast asleep... i'll make the most of it while it lasts!
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Good news! Hope the peaceful dinner was great. Talking of dinner; youngest has developed and obsession with cooking since doing one session of food technology last week! At least he's off a screen for part of the day. Our other positive is a simple one today; despite younger one almost getting a late detention yesterday we were on time for school in uniform without much fuss this morning. Then elder one was praising younger for it and commenting on how it felt nice to be much calmer.
  • HarHer
    Posts: 244
    Hi,

    Great news. It is really reassuring to read these threads.
  • aliveit
    Posts: 61
    Hi
    Before anything negative happens i'll write down todays positive.
    My son played with his little sister all lunch time without switching personality every five minutes and terrifying her. We all played hide and seek and he even ate his dinner on the condition it was swimming in gravy.
    A much needed calm 2 hours!
  • Can’t quite put my finger on why... but we’ve had a much more positive few weeks. My daughter just seems generally calmer and happier. Life still has its challenges but I’m starting to see glimpses of my happier little girl :)
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Such good news! Savour all the good bits they will change your perspective; then you will be calmer and they might be also, for a while at least.
    Our good news; on time for school each day (just) and slowly becoming a bit less stressful. managed to get eldest to podiatrist to get his foot treated without major incident although the angry meltdowns later at his game showed how much stress he was under, youngest still obsessed with cooking something every day but we are working in ways to make it manageable and his scones are delicious! I'm taking it as a chance to do something away from a screen which helps him to gain confidence, independence and spend some time with me. Last night he wanted to teach his dad how to make something. At least he won't starve as an adult if a diet of salad, fruit salad, scones, biscuits and doughnuts will suffice. I'll have to try and get him to move onto more main courses but that's tricky with his pickiness, maybe we can try to do homemade chicken nuggets!
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Our good news, youngest completed a piece of homework yesterday on time with support without a fuss. And yes, we are still cooking something of his choice every day, yesterday we made our own pitta bread which he chose to fill with chicken and steak strips and of course barbecue sauce. Maybe the positive cooking took some of the school stress away so he could face the homework? Still managing to get both boys to school and only a couple of minutes late.. (I'm still working on the punctuality bit.)
  • HarHer
    Posts: 244
    Great news June. Homework was always an issue with both my sons.

    My positive news is that my youngest has just passed his driving test (first attempt). He coped with the nerves, the early rising (the test was at 8.15 about 15 miles away) and he has gone off to the gym happy.

    I have talked through the strategies he used to manage his anxiety over the test, and hopefully, he could use these when he is offered another job.
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    That's hugely great Har Her! Another big step to independence, wanting to get his own car might just be the thing that helps him overcome the work worries enough to save up.
    My boys were on time for school today thanks in part to good traffic.
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 882
    I’m having a proud mummy moment... my 10 year old daughter has been struggling with bedtime anxiety for months and it’s become increasingly more violent and lengthy each night. We’ve tried everything we can think of to help, but nothing has worked. However out of the blue she told me that she wanted to stop hurting us and had decided to make a small glitter tube that she can look at and turn, and she was going to get into bed before Daddy got home so he can read in her room now.... it’s day two and we’ve managed two calm bedtimes! Even if that’s all we get, and I hope it isn’t, I’m so proud of her! Her ideas and choices it just took time for her to figure out what she needed.

    What’s even more amazing is that she chose to do this the evening before a hospital appointment!

    We were also playing the Where’s Wally Game earlier and I asked her how she could remember where all the pictures were on the boards; we keep swapping them, but she keeps winning! I just look, blink hard and it stores like a picture she said. Wow, wish I could do that! Xxx

    Our children are amazing!
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Generally mornings still going ok although I am still dressing younger one at present but he has started doing some parts himself and is changing the routine a bit. Homework is amazingly mostly getting done although when there is lots I am asked to type things for him to speed things up and sometimes supply a few suggestions but on the whole not too bad. Three things have gone well this week; he has said he likes his new school better than primary school, I think the structured timetable and moving about from class to class suit him as he knows he doesn't have the same thing for ever, he has asked to pack his bag the night before and taken part in the packing (apparently the science teacher suggested it), he has asked to stay at homework club for an hour per week so he can do his 'reading' homework because he finds it feels easier to do it there. He doesn't want to do any other homework there because that's homework and he can do it better at home but he's opening up about what works for him which we can work with. So much good news so far with this transition so I'm making the most of it, for now.
    Oh and I managed to get him to try on footy boots and gum shield for rugby in PE tomorrow he's terrified but his brother has given him advice, 'Run quickly and don't have the ball and you won't get tackled!!'
  • Rubytuesday
    Posts: 178
    That’s brilliant to hear June, long may it continue :)
  • aliveit
    Posts: 61
    So pleased about all the positive post.
    2 weeks without any extreme violence.... my son is definitely appearing calmer...
    I feel like the techniques are finally kicking in and with a bit of breathing space, i've been able to hug my son again and take joy in being with him... something i was scared would never happen again!
  • HarHer
    Posts: 244
    These are really uplifting posts.

    My youngest is showing an interest in learning again. Over the past two or three weeks, we have been looking at geography, Medieval history and discussing politics and some quite complex subjects (usually inspired by podcasts).
    He has also taken his rather negative experience of one workplace very well and we have done three more applications for work over the weekend.
    To make things even better, my eldest and youngest had an afternoon together (I still need to supervise, but much more discretely) and they were laughing enjoying each other's company.
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    That's great news so happy for you guys!
  • aliveit
    Posts: 61
    Another positive day.
    Took all 3 children out on my own this evening to buy halloween costumes.
    My pdaer didn't want to go, struggled a bit choosing a costume in the price range i had set, but all in all, no fights, no jealousy.
    They looked after each other, while i did a few shopping chores and were so surprisingly well behaved that we all went to mcdonalds for tea. They were delighted.
    A very pleasant evening all round.
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    It's lovely when things go better than expected isn't it. We are doing quite well this week considering the huge amount of homework that has suddenly appeared for submission all at once both boys have managed to get things done with some support. The eldest is generally taking responsibility for doing his mostly by himself with occasional prompting, I find the more I trust him to get it done the more he can do it. The youngest struggles more to get going but again by letting him say what and when to start we are getting through it; he needs more support to keep going and I sometimes help out by typing up what he's saying so he's free to do the thinking.
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Managed to get the whole family to the local cricket club fireworks display last night. No mean feat as eldest who as wanted to go all week suddenly decided he wasn't so sure, youngest who had not moved off the sofa all week had to have a miraculous healing of his injured foot, actually get dressed and overcome his fear of the noise, smells, crowds and the dark to do something he really wanted to do. Off we went equipped with earplugs, ear defenders, several hats, a torch and a stroppy teenager who actually calmed down on the walk there.
    Whilst there husband and teenager wanted to be right at the front, but this was a little to close and loud for younger one so I took him further back and thanks to his ear defences and extra layers provided by my scarf he was soon enjoying the show grinning from ear to ear and shouting out his favourite colours. He even wanted to go closer to see some ground fireworks. Dad and the elder one seemed to enjoy it too, elder ones verdict, 'That actually wasn't too crap, it was good.' High praise from him. Our first successful family time for a few months..yay!
  • RhanHRhanH
    Posts: 882
    That's fantastic to hear, so pleased for you.... a wonderful memory to recall when things are slightly harder!
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Yes it was, when things went down hill fast on Sunday; rather too much going on and everyone stressed. Husband packing for an overseas work trip, boys realising half term is over and that they have homework to do, me worried about getting everything done in time for tomorrow and getting them up and out on time alone (as usual). Husband disappeared for hours 'preparing' and popping down periodically to demand where his clothes, toiletries etc were like I haven't got enough to do dealing with the kids. Things kicked off big time and I lost my cool but then it settled down. After dinner eldest got his homework out and got on with it. Youngest wouldn't even hear it mentioned then at 11.30 (pm) he asked to do
    his Spanish, then his reading which he fell asleep doing. I managed to carry him up to bed at around 1am and he slept in his bed until 4am when husband got up for his flight. Youngest then asked to go downstairs and do his English homework. Then he dozed until it was time to get up at 6.30. Unbelievably we left the house on time, in uniform and with all necessary items and homework. Just going with the flow seems to have worked, although I would have liked a bit more sleep but at least I got to go to bed.
  • June67
    Posts: 588
    Good news here today, PDAer came home very happy and proud of himself because he has been moved up to the top set in Maths at school.
  • HarHer
    Posts: 244
    Brilliant, I think you need to give yourself a little credit as well for supporting him so totally so he can make these gains at school.

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