Talking about self-care with the PDAer in your life

Caring for someone with a PDA profile (Pathological Demand Avoidance) might mean that even small steps toward self-care — like saying “I need 10 minutes to myself” — could be met with big emotions or resistance.  

This can feel confusing and painful and may lead to questioning:  

“Why does it feel so hard just to take a break?”  

“Why does this seem to upset them so much?”  

The answer often lies in how PDAers experience connection, control, and threat.  

People with a PDA profile tend to have an extremely high sensitivity to perceived demands, emotional disconnection, and uncertainty. A key person in their life expressing need for time apart — even when done calmly and lovingly — may feel to them like:  

• an unexpected change in rhythm or routine.  

• a loss of connection or rejection.  

• a demand to self-soothe, cope, or wait without support.  

• a loss of control in a world that already feels unpredictable.  

Even though the PDAer knows that their parent or carer isn’t abandoning them, their nervous system might be telling them the opposite. This isn’t a deliberate response — it’s a protective one from a place of anxiety.  

Understanding this doesn’t mean a carer has to abandon their own needs. It means approaching these conversations with clarity, empathy, care and compromise, so the act of self-care can feel safer for both parties.  

Here are some approaches which could help these conversations go more smoothly, while still holding boundaries.  

1. Reassurance: “This is about me, not you”

PDAers can sometimes interpret parent/carer need for space as a personal rejection. The feeling of being abandoned can be lessened by making it clear that it’s not about them and explaining the reasons why a short time apart is needed.  

“I love being with you. I just need a little time to reset so I can feel good again. It’s not because of anything you’ve done — it’s just something I need.”

2. Reframing to be about capacity, not control

It might be helpful to explain that self-care means taking some time to do what we need to do keep our bodies and brains healthy and working well How this looks is different for everyone, “I notice when I get tired, I get snappy or overwhelmed. A little quiet time helps my brain feel more settled — just like you might need space after a busy day.”  

3. Offering predictability and reconnection cues 

For some PDAers, the hardest part is not knowing when you’ll be back or feeling unsure if the connection will return. Being clear about what you are away for and offering reconnection rituals can make this easier to handle.  

 “I’m going to have a cup of tea and read. I’ll be back when I finish my chapter. Then if you like we can watch something together after.”  

Even a simple plan can reduce the panic.  

4. Validating emotions — and holding boundaries

It is possible to show compassion without abandoning your own needs. Saying something like:  

“I know this is hard. I understand it feels scary when I need space. I’ll be back soon — and we’ll be okay.”  

Try not to argue, convince, or fix their feelings, just acknowledging and listening to them is important.  

5. Using calm moments to plan

It’s best to avoid explaining self-care boundaries during emotional meltdowns or moments of stress. Instead, exploring it when things are calmer could look like:  

“I’ve noticed that when I step away, it can feel upsetting. I want to make it easier for both of us. What might help you feel safe during those times? Could we make a plan together?”  

Giving the PDAer in your life a sense of agency (without controlling your choices) may reduce their instinct to resist or panic.

6. Using language that respects their autonomy

Being mindful about what is said in these moments is important to help keep feelings of anxiety to a minimum. Try to communicate in a way that helps them relate to the experience and how you could be feeling: 

“When you feel that things are too much you get to take a break — and I need that too.”  

“I understand that you might be triggered by feeling out of control of this situation and I don’t want to force anything or cause you distress. I’m just sharing what I need right now to see if we can find a way forward together.”  

Speaking gently and with respect for their experience means they’re more likely to be able to try and understand yours.  

It’s worth remembering:

• self-care is not abandonment, it’s what helps you to stay compassionate and responsive.  

• a PDAer’s resistance is not rejection, it’s fear, often of disconnection or demand.  

• the relationship doesn’t suffer from your rest — it depends on it (even though it might not feel like that at the time). 

• boundaries can coexist with love, in fact, they are an expression of it.  

If you need personalised information or support on this or any other PDA related matters, you may wish to contact our support service. 

If you’re looking for ideas that actually help, our parent carer training could be for you. It’s built by people with lived experience, and is full of practical tips. Families tell us that after our training they better understand what is going on for their child, why they are struggling and what they can do to help.