PDA Approaches
Contents
What really helps – and why we need to rethink current approaches
For autistic people with a PDA profile, traditional support approaches can often cause more harm than good. Things like firm routines and behaviour-based rewards might be well-intentioned but can increase anxiety and reduce trust.
Whoever you are, the right mindset is an important first step in helping to manage the anxiety and resistance that demands can cause. Focusing on understanding, compassion and co-regulation, rather than control or compliance is important.
It’s about more than tactics; it’s a philosophy that will help you choose the right approach at the right time. Understanding that demands cause stress, which can affect every area of a PDAer’s life, is an important starting point. As is, knowing that this anxiety can prevent PDAers from doing things that keep them safe and happy – and that this is not a choice.
Why changing mindsets can feel difficult
Changing how we think about our relationships with PDAers can be difficult. Many of us grew up experiencing traditional rules, control, rewards, and punishments. So, approaches that focus on understanding, kindness, and teamwork aren’t always instinctive. These approaches can seem too easy or not strict enough at first. However, understanding PDA and taking a human rights-based approach can make things better for everyone.
Moving away from these traditional methods can be difficult because it requires us to question deeply held beliefs and societal norms. But traditional approaches can create heightened anxiety and resistance, especially in PDAers. This isn’t wilful defiance-it’s an anxiety-driven reaction. In fact, many people are beginning to describe PDA as a nervous system disability in an attempt to make this clear.
Responding to anxiety effectively, needs deeper understanding and a different mindset. This page will help you build the foundations of this.
A human rights perspective
Using a human rights approach means focusing less on making people obey rules and more on empathy, respect, and freedom to make choices. Everyone deserves to feel safe and able to make decisions about their own lives.
The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child says it’s important to listen to children and let them make choices when possible. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR) protects dignity, freedom, and choice for everyone, including adults.
Article 1 of the UDHR says: “All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They have reason and conscience and should treat each other kindly.”
From this viewpoint, reducing demands and using gentle strategies isn’t weak or poor parenting. Instead, it respects the rights of PDAers and helps protect their mental and emotional health. It is a thoughtful, rights-focused approach that understands and values the feelings and needs of PDA individuals.
Mindset first: a foundation for support
Instead of starting with strategies, we suggest starting with three relationship fundamentals:
- Trust in relationships
- Equity
- Compassion
Trust in relationships
Being consistent, warm and honest will improve your relationship. As will understanding behaviour as communication. It’s important to trust everyone is doing their best and to value connection over compliance.
Trusted relationships are essential for PDAers because feeling safe helps lower anxiety. Feeling understood, respected, and safe makes demands become easier to manage. Trust supports feeling more in control and less pressured, which reduces the anxiety that drives demand avoidance.
Having trusted relationships also helps build emotional security. This can make it possible for PDAers to engage more comfortably in daily tasks and social interactions. Without trust, anxiety increases, making demands feel overwhelming and causing greater stress and isolation.
Here are some things that might help you build trust:
- Actively listening, showing genuine interest and empathy in conversations and making sure the other person feels heard and understood.
- Recognising and respecting each other’s need for control and choice, avoiding pressure or unnecessary demands.
- Being reliable by following through consistently on commitments to build a sense of safety and predictability.
- Sharing thoughts and feelings openly, clearly, and kindly to avoid misunderstandings.
- Staying calm and patient. Responding calmly, especially during challenging moments, to maintain a feeling of safety and trust.
- Offering acceptance without judgement and supporting each other to express thoughts, emotions, and reactions openly without fear of criticism.
- Respecting each other’s boundaries and provide space to recharge, reducing feelings of overwhelm and anxiety.
- Genuinely apologising when we get things wrong or make mistakes.
Equity
Equity and balancing power are key when supporting PDAers. Relationships based on control or uneven power dynamics create anxiety. PDAers may experience more avoidance if they feel manipulated, forced, or controlled. This anxiety can also affect neurotypical people who feel pressure to ‘make’ a PDAer do something.
When we balance power, we accept everyone’s equal rights and different needs. This means letting go of the idea that we ‘should’ be able to control or change someone. Instead, we listen, respect autonomy, and share decisions. Relationships built this way feel safer and happier for everyone involved.
Here are some practical tips for building equity into relationships, which you might want to try:
- Regularly checking in about what feels comfortable and fair to everyone.
- Being open about your own limits and feelings to create mutual trust.
- Clearly communicating your needs and boundaries to others when you feel able.
- Suggesting ways of interacting that feel less demanding or controlling to you.
- Remember it’s okay to pause, say no, or negotiate when you feel pressured or uncomfortable.
- Reflecting regularly on power dynamics and actively trying to shift them towards partnership rather than control.
Compassion
Understanding distressed behaviours as panic attacks is important. This requires looking at past behaviours you find difficult or distressing and focusing on the anxiety causing them.
Shifting mindsets requires self-compassion. It’s natural to find this process difficult, given the societal norms around parenting and authority.
For PDAers thinking kindly about yourself can be hard. This is due to ingrained societal judgments around productivity, self-control, and perceived compliance.
The following tips could be helpful:
- Mindfulness and awareness. It can be helpful to notice internal critical voices without judgment and gently remind yourself that experiencing difficulty with demands is a part of being a PDAer.
- Affirmations and positive self-talk. You might consider affirming your worth and dignity with phrases like, “I am allowed to take care of my needs,” and “my anxiety does not define my worth.”
- Connecting with people who understand can help you feel validated and understood. Knowing others share similar experiences can reduce feelings of isolation and self-criticism.
- Setting realistic expectations. Acknowledging your boundaries and capacity without guilt. Recognising that doing less when overwhelmed is self-care, not a failure.
- Self-compassion is important because it enhances emotional well-being and reduces stress.
A starting point: PANDA as a way in
The PANDA mnemonic was originally created as a memory aid, a way to introduce the kinds of flexible approaches that tend to help. These aren’t separate strategies to apply one by one but overlapping ideas that support each other.
The letters stand for:
P – Prioritise and Compromise
A – Anxiety Management
N – Negotiation and Collaboration
D – Disguise and Manage Demands
A – Adaptation
It’s helpful to think of PANDA not as a checklist, but as a gentle guide, especially helpful if you’re new to PDA support. The real work happens through connection, curiosity and trial and error. Having a big toolkit means you can be more adaptable in the moment.
Prioritise and compromise
This section used to be called pick your battles. At its core it suggests letting go of what doesn’t matter, and softening what does. Every rule, expectation or decision adds to a PDAer’s internal demand load. Because this emotional ‘budget’ is limited, it helps to focus on what really matters and let go of the rest. Is it about health or safety? If not, can it wait, or be done differently? “It’s about deciding whether this is the hill you want to die on… and often, it’s not.” – Libby Hill
Practical ideas you could try:
- Stripping things back to the essentials. Many families use just three non-negotiables (like safety rules) and negotiate everything else.
- Talking about the why. If something needs doing, share the reason – especially if it’s linked to a ‘higher power’ like the law or biology.
- Offering meaningful choices. This means real choices like how or when, not just which colour.
- Being willing to compromise. Which might mean going barefoot today and packing shoes just in case.
- Accepting when things aren’t possible. “Looks like this isn’t the right moment – we can try again later.”
Anxiety management
Lowering anxiety is the core of everything else. For PDAers, anxiety is the driver of demand avoidance. When a request or expectation feels overwhelming, the brain shifts into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn – a panic response, not a choice. Anxiety is often invisible. A PDAer may laugh, mask or seem relaxed, while internally feeling trapped or terrified. Understanding and reducing their anxiety helps them feel safe enough to engage.
Common causes of anxiety:
- Internal pressure to comply conflicting with the urge to resist.
- Intolerance of uncertainty (not knowing what’s coming).
- Processing difficulties (language or social).
- Sensory overload.
- Fear of failure or loss of autonomy.
- Keeping a journal or diary can help identify triggers over time.
Practical ideas you could try:
- Using a low-arousal approach. This involves having a calm tone, slow pace and gentle body language. Avoiding confrontation or escalation.
- Reducing uncertainty by giving flexible outlines, soft timelines, and ‘in the moment’ adjustments.
- Allowing time to think because processing takes longer, especially when anxious.
- Co-regulating by breathing together, using humour or distraction.
- Treating panic like panic, it isn’t misbehaviour – it’s overwhelm.
“Sometimes it’s like my whole body gets too heavy to move. Other times it’s like something invisible is stopping me.” – Tara *
Negotiation and collaboration
Working together builds safety and fairness. This is not about negotiating for compliance. It’s about finding shared solutions that respect the PDAer’s autonomy while helping everyone get their needs met.
“My son has a strong sense of justice. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s being tricked or overruled.” – Jane *
Practical ideas:
- Planning together: “How do you want to do this?”
- Respecting a no. If a person can’t, they can’t.
- Working side-by-side. Doing tasks together. Offering partnership, not supervision.
- Modelling emotional honesty. Sharing things like: “I’m having a tough day too. I might need a break.”
- Focusing on trust-building by keeping promises, being predictable and avoiding shaming through your words or behaviour.
- “It’s not about ‘expecting them to shift’ – it’s about offering the space for mutual understanding, without pressure.”
Disguise and manage demands
Softening the edges of everyday requests. Even small tasks can feel huge when they come as demands. Reframing things in a gentler way can help, but this isn’t about being sneaky or manipulative. It’s about creating space for autonomy. It’s also crucial to balance the demand level with their current capacity. Some days, anything extra is too much.
Types of demands to be aware of:
- Direct requests (“Get dressed”).
- Internal expectations (“I should be able to do this”).
- Social demands (conversations, eye contact).
- Routines (yes – even a favourite activity can feel like a demand if it becomes expected).
Practical ideas you could try:
- Using declarative language: “Your coat’s by the door” instead of “Put on your coat”.
- Wondering aloud: “Hmm… I wonder if the bin’s full”.
- Offering info, not instruction: “We’re leaving in 10 minutes”.
- Using third-person or humour: “Captain Dinosaur needs her boots!”
- Writing things down: a note can feel less intrusive than a voice.
“A demand shared is a demand halved.” – Paul, partner of a PDA adult
Adaptation
What works today might not work tomorrow, and that’s OK. Flexibility is not just helpful, it’s essential. PDAers often need things to be different, creative or playful in order to engage. And once something becomes a routine, it can become a demand in itself. Being able to adapt in the moment, and to rethink the plan entirely, keeps things safer and calmer for everyone.
“Many helpful approaches for PDAers can feel unconventional at first – but they’re often the things that finally work.” – Shani*
Practical ideas:
- Having a Plan B (and C): this isn’t failure – it’s flexibility.
- Trying novelty, roleplay or humour: pretend to be secret agents. Race the clock. Make things silly.
- Noticing signs of burnout: pull back when they’re depleted.
- Adapting the environment: move coat hooks. Change routines. Avoid demand-stacking.
- Equalising the give and take: when a PDAer does something hard for them, you could soften demands later. But don’t frame it as a reward, it’s about fairness, not behaviour control.
“Sometimes the plan is impossible. Saying that aloud and asking them to help you problem-solve can actually build trust.” – Manni *
Low arousal approaches and PDA
Dr. Andrew McDonnell developed the Low Arousal Approach to minimise stress and avoid escalation. This approach is helpful for PDA people, who can experience anxiety when faced with everyday demands. Traditional behaviour strategies can rely on rules, reinforcement, and consequences. McDonnell’s approach asks caregivers and professionals to help reduce anxiety through changing their behaviours and environments they work in.
Core principles of the low arousal approach
The low arousal approach has a strong evidence base:
- Evidence suggests that maintaining low-stimulation, predictable, and calming environments significantly reduces anxiety-driven behaviours. For PDAers, this might mean reducing sensory input or incorporating familiar/ comforting elements into their daily routines. (McDonnell, 2019)
- Demands can cause intense anxiety for PDA people, resulting in avoidance or challenging behaviours. Studies show significantly reducing the frequency and intensity of demands can lead to measurable reductions in these behaviours (Christie & Fidler, 2012).
- Caregivers’ and support staff’s ability to manage their responses and present calm, neutral, and non-confrontational behaviour is critical. Research shows adult emotional regulation significantly influences anxiety levels and behaviours in neurodivergent populations (McDonnell, 2019)
Practical implementation examples
Practical implementation examples for PDA adults:
- Knowing which demands consistently heighten stress enables you to plan around them. Scheduling sensory breaks or anxiety-reducing activities can help.
- Flexible and adaptable routines help to reduce anxiety, providing control and predictability.
- Managing social interactions can help avoid sensory and emotional overload. This can help you have more rewarding social experiences and relationships.
When supporting PDAers, evidence-based practical strategies include:
- Structuring demands gently and offering choices rather than instructions significantly reduces anxiety. This has shown positive outcomes in engagement and behaviour (Christie & Fidler, 2012).
- Approximately 60% of communication is non-verbal. Neutral and calming body language is crucial to prevent anxiety (McDonnell, 2019).
- Modelling calm, controlled responses can reduce anxiety and distressed behaviours. Caregivers who assess and adapt their emotional reactions can see a reduction in anxiety-driven behaviours (McDonnell et al., 2015).
Why the Low Arousal Approach is effective for PDAers
The Low Arousal Approach works well for PDAers because it reduces the anxiety that demands often cause. It does this by managing the environment, lowering the number of demands, and using supportive communication. These changes help because they address the real issue behind PDA behaviours, which is anxiety, not deliberate defiance.
Using Low Arousal Approaches can also help PDA individuals and caregivers build relationships based on mutual support and respect. This method is backed by evidence, making it a strong choice for leaders to adopt. It helps reduce distressed behaviours and greatly improves the everyday wellbeing of PDAers.
Understanding equalising (levelling) in PDA
Equalising, also known as levelling, describes behaviours used by PDAers when they sense unfairness or imbalance in relationships or interactions. These behaviours are driven by the strong need to regain a sense of autonomy, control, and fairness.
PDAers may experience intense anxiety when they feel controlled or dominated. Equalising behaviours are their way of reducing this anxiety by ‘levelling the playing field’ and restoring emotional balance.
What equalising (levelling) can look like:
- Taking control. For example: A PDA child might want to make all decisions, even small ones, to regain control.
- Resisting authority or hierarchies on principle. For example: An adult PDAer might consistently challenge or refuse requests from someone they feel is overly authoritative or unfair.
- A strong sense of justice. For example: A PDA child might react strongly if they perceive unfair treatment compared to siblings, perhaps demanding exactly equal attention or privileges.
- Avoiding or delaying tasks. For example: A PDAer might deliberately delay or avoid tasks if they feel forced or pressured, as a way to restore a feeling of autonomy.
- Contradicting or correcting. For example: A PDAer may frequently correct or contradict others, especially authority figures, to feel equal or regain control in conversations.
Here are some ideas that might be helpful when thinking about supporting someone who is equalising. You might consider:
- Validating feelings: it can be helpful recognise and affirm a PDAer’s feelings of unfairness or anxiety, even if the situation seems minor to you.
- Being willing to negotiate and adapt requests. Rigidity can increase anxiety and trigger equalising behaviours.
- Being transparent about expectations and reasons behind decisions. This can help PDAers feel respected and understood.
Ross Greene’s Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS)
Ross Greene’s Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) model is a helpful way to support PDAers. Greene says: “Kids do well if they can.” This means that challenging behaviour happens when a child lacks the skills to meet expectations, not because they want to be difficult (The Explosive Child, 2014).
The CPS model focuses on working with the child, rather than imposing solutions. Greene’s Plan B method has three steps:
- Empathy: listen to the child’s concerns. For example, say, “I noticed getting ready for school is really hard. What’s up?”
- Define the Problem: explain your concern calmly. For example, “I worry because we need to leave on time.”
- Invitation: work together on a solution. For example: “How can we make this easier for you?”
Final thoughts
Supporting a PDAer is not about applying techniques but building a relationship based on trust, flexibility, and a shared sense of safety.
What helps will vary. Remember you don’t have to get it right all the time, you just have to stay open, kind, and willing to understand.