Mindset first: a foundation for support

Instead of starting with strategies, we suggest starting with three relationship fundamentals:

• Trust in relationships
• Equity
• Compassion

Trusted relationships are essential for PDAers because feeling safe helps lower anxiety. Feeling understood, respected, and safe makes demands become easier to manage. Trust supports feeling more in control and less pressured, which reduces the anxiety that drives demand avoidance.

Having trusted relationships also helps build emotional security. This can make it possible for PDAers to engage more comfortably in daily tasks and social interactions. Without trust, anxiety increases, making demands feel overwhelming and causing greater stress and isolation.

Here are some things that might help you build trust:

• Actively listening, showing genuine interest and empathy in conversations and making sure the other person feels heard and understood.
• Recognising and respecting each other’s need for control and choice, avoiding pressure or unnecessary demands.
• Being reliable by following through consistently on commitments to build a sense of safety and predictability.
• Sharing thoughts and feelings openly, clearly, and kindly to avoid misunderstandings.
• Staying calm and patient. Responding calmly, especially during challenging moments, to maintain a feeling of safety and trust.
• Offering acceptance without judgement and supporting each other to express thoughts, emotions, and reactions openly without fear of criticism.
• Respecting each other’s boundaries and provide space to recharge, reducing feelings of overwhelm and anxiety.
• Genuinely apologising when we get things wrong or make mistakes.

When we balance power, we accept everyone’s equal rights and different needs. This means letting go of the idea that we ‘should’ be able to control or change someone. Instead, we listen, respect autonomy, and share decisions. Relationships built this way feel safer and happier for everyone involved.

Here are some practical tips for building equity into relationships, which you might want to try:

• Regularly checking in about what feels comfortable and fair to everyone.
• Being open about your own limits and feelings to create mutual trust.
• Clearly communicating your needs and boundaries to others when you feel able.
• Suggesting ways of interacting that feel less demanding or controlling to you.
• Remember it’s okay to pause, say no, or negotiate when you feel pressured or uncomfortable.
• Reflecting regularly on power dynamics and actively trying to shift them towards partnership rather than control.

Shifting mindsets requires self-compassion. It’s natural to find this process difficult, given the societal norms around parenting and authority.

For PDAers thinking kindly about yourself can be hard. This is due to ingrained societal judgments around productivity, self-control, and perceived compliance.

The following tips could be helpful:

• Mindfulness and awareness. It can be helpful to notice internal critical voices without judgment and gently remind yourself that experiencing difficulty with demands is a part of being a PDAer.
• Affirmations and positive self-talk. You might consider affirming your worth and dignity with phrases like, “I am allowed to take care of my needs,” and “my anxiety does not define my worth.”
• Connecting with people who understand can help you feel validated and understood. Knowing others share similar experiences can reduce feelings of isolation and self-criticism.
• Setting realistic expectations. Acknowledging your boundaries and capacity without guilt. Recognising that doing less when overwhelmed is self-care, not a failure.
• Self-compassion is important because it enhances emotional well-being and reduces stress.