PDA Society logo

A starting point: PANDA as a way in

The PANDA mnemonic was originally created as a memory aid, a way to introduce the kinds of flexible approaches that tend to help. These aren’t separate strategies to apply one by one but overlapping ideas that support each other.

The letters stand for:
  • P – Prioritise and Compromise
  • A – Anxiety Management
  • N – Negotiation and Collaboration
  • D – Disguise and Manage Demands
  • A – Adaptation

It’s helpful to think of PANDA not as a checklist, but as a gentle guide, especially helpful if you’re new to PDA support. The real work happens through connection, curiosity and trial and error. Having a big toolkit means you can be more adaptable in the moment.

Prioritise and compromise

This section used to be called pick your battles. At its core it suggests letting go of what doesn’t matter, and softening what does. Every rule, expectation or decision adds to a PDAer’s internal demand load. Because this emotional ‘budget’ is limited, it helps to focus on what really matters and let go of the rest. Is it about health or safety? If not, can it wait, or be done differently? “It’s about deciding whether this is the hill you want to die on… and often, it’s not.” – Libby Hill

Practical ideas you could try:

  • Stripping things back to the essentials. Many families use just three non-negotiables (like safety rules) and negotiate everything else.
  • Talking about the why. If something needs doing, share the reason – especially if it’s linked to a ‘higher power’ like the law or biology.
  • Offering meaningful choices. This means real choices like how or when, not just which colour.
  • Being willing to compromise. Which might mean going barefoot today and packing shoes just in case.
  • Accepting when things aren’t possible. “Looks like this isn’t the right moment – we can try again later.”

Anxiety management

Lowering anxiety is the core of everything else. For PDAers, anxiety is the driver of demand avoidance. When a request or expectation feels overwhelming, the brain shifts into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn – a panic response, not a choice. Anxiety is often invisible. A PDAer may laugh, mask or seem relaxed, while internally feeling trapped or terrified. Understanding and reducing their anxiety helps them feel safe enough to engage.

Common causes of anxiety:

  • Internal pressure to comply conflicting with the urge to resist.
  • Intolerance of uncertainty (not knowing what’s coming).
  • Processing difficulties (language or social).
  • Sensory overload.
  • Fear of failure or loss of autonomy.
  • Keeping a journal or diary can help identify triggers over time.
Practical ideas you could try:
  • Using a low-arousal approach. This involves having a calm tone, slow pace and gentle body language. Avoiding confrontation or escalation.
  • Reducing uncertainty by giving flexible outlines, soft timelines, and ‘in the moment’ adjustments.
  • Allowing time to think because processing takes longer, especially when anxious.
  • Co-regulating by breathing together, using humour or distraction.
  • Treating panic like panic, it isn’t misbehaviour – it’s overwhelm.
“Sometimes it’s like my whole body gets too heavy to move. Other times it’s like something invisible is stopping me.”
Tara *

Negotiation and collaboration

Working together builds safety and fairness. This is not about negotiating for compliance. It’s about finding shared solutions that respect the PDAer’s autonomy while helping everyone get their needs met.
“My son has a strong sense of justice. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s being tricked or overruled.”
Jane *
Practical ideas:
  • Planning together: “How do you want to do this?”
  • Respecting a no. If a person can’t, they can’t.
  • Working side-by-side. Doing tasks together. Offering partnership, not supervision.
  • Modelling emotional honesty. Sharing things like: “I’m having a tough day too. I might need a break.”
  • Focusing on trust-building by keeping promises, being predictable and avoiding shaming through your words or behaviour.
  • “It’s not about ‘expecting them to shift’ – it’s about offering the space for mutual understanding, without pressure.”

Disguise and manage demands

Softening the edges of everyday requests. Even small tasks can feel huge when they come as demands. Reframing things in a gentler way can help, but this isn’t about being sneaky or manipulative. It’s about creating space for autonomy. It’s also crucial to balance the demand level with their current capacity. Some days, anything extra is too much.

Types of demands to be aware of:

  • Direct requests (“Get dressed”).
  • Internal expectations (“I should be able to do this”).
  • Social demands (conversations, eye contact).
  • Routines (yes – even a favourite activity can feel like a demand if it becomes expected).
Practical ideas you could try:
  • Using declarative language: “Your coat’s by the door” instead of “Put on your coat”.
  • Wondering aloud: “Hmm… I wonder if the bin’s full”.
  • Offering info, not instruction: “We’re leaving in 10 minutes”.
  • Using third-person or humour: “Captain Dinosaur needs her boots!”
  • Writing things down: a note can feel less intrusive than a voice.
“A demand shared is a demand halved.”
Paul, partner of a PDA adult

Adaptation

What works today might not work tomorrow, and that’s OK. Flexibility is not just helpful, it’s essential. PDAers often need things to be different, creative or playful in order to engage. And once something becomes a routine, it can become a demand in itself. Being able to adapt in the moment, and to rethink the plan entirely, keeps things safer and calmer for everyone.
“Many helpful approaches for PDAers can feel unconventional at first – but they’re often the things that finally work.”
Shani*
Practical ideas:
  • Having a Plan B (and C): this isn’t failure – it’s flexibility.
  • Trying novelty, roleplay or humour: pretend to be secret agents. Race the clock. Make things silly.
  • Noticing signs of burnout: pull back when they’re depleted.
  • Adapting the environment: move coat hooks. Change routines. Avoid demand-stacking.
  • Equalising the give and take: when a PDAer does something hard for them, you could soften demands later. But don’t frame it as a reward, it’s about fairness, not behaviour control.
“Sometimes the plan is impossible. Saying that aloud and asking them to help you problem-solve can actually build trust.”
Manni *