Parenting as a PDAer

Parenting as a PDAer can come with unique challenges, as the demands of raising a child can often trigger a PDA parent’s need for autonomy. Understanding everyone’s different needs and learning ways to balance them can help with creating positive relationships and happy homes. This page looks at why parenting as a PDAer can be tricky and offers suggestions which may help ease the pressure.

Parenting can be hard for everyone at times. Here is a list of challenges parents with PDA might face and possible strategies you could try to help manage them.

• Possible challenge: struggling with routines.
  Parenting can involve different routines, and a PDA parent may find them stressful and triggering because of their own needs.
• Possible strategy: having flexible routines.
  Instead of feeling like you need to stick to rigid schedules you could try allowing lots of time in routines for being spontaneous or mixing things up.
• Possible challenge: balancing independence and caregiving.
  PDA parents can value independence, but children’s needs can sometimes feel really controlling, which can lead to feeling overwhelmed.
• Possible strategy: delegating and seeking support.
  Asking for help from co-parents, friends, or support groups can help reduce overwhelm and help you get a break to do something to regulate.
• Possible challenge: managing emotions.
  Parenting can be highly emotional, and sometime PDAers may struggle with intense emotional swings.
• Possible strategy: being honest.
  Try explaining why you sometimes get upset. Apologising and talking about future solutions like going into a quieter space if feeling overwhelmed can be a really good way of showing children how to process their own emotions.
• Possible challenge: demand overload.
  Sometimes the constant responsibility of caregiving, like being over touched or feeling like you need to be on top of everything all the time, can trigger avoidance behaviours or burnout.
• Possible strategy: prioritising self-care.
  Taking breaks to regulate and ensuring time for personal interests and hobbies can help prevent burnout.
• Possible challenge: feeling guilty.
  PDA parents might worry about whether their parenting approach is “good enough” compared to conventional methods.
• Possible strategy: being aware of your strengths.
  Struggling in some areas does not take away from being brilliant in others. Everyone will be better at some things than others and it doesn’t make anyone a failure to not be great at everything.

• Relaxing together: finding special interests or enjoyable sensory experiences to share can help create a nice environment together. Sometimes learning calming techniques as a family and using them to manage emotions at the same time can be useful.
• Explaining your needs: talking with children about how demands affect you can help them understand that everyone has their own unique needs. Knowing that you might need to step away if your anxiety levels are high, so long as they are safe, and that it isn’t anyone’s fault, can help them feel secure and learn compassion too.
• Trusting your own methods: other people’s expectations on how you parent can feel like a big demand. Letting go of outside expectations and doing things your own way doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you a smart and adaptable one. If you are happy then usually your children will be happy too.

PDAers often make incredible parents because they can:

• Understand neurodiversity: they often recognise and support their child’s unique needs, particularly if the child is also neurodivergent.
• Encourage autonomy: PDA parents can often naturally support their child’s independence and decision-making.
• Use creativity and humour: many PDA parents are great at making parenting fun and engaging through playfulness and imagination.
• Challenge traditional parenting norms: by questioning traditional approaches, PDA parents create a more adaptable, child-led path to parenting.

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