PDA and friendships

Friendships can be both rewarding and challenging for everyone, including PDAers.

While PDAers often seek meaningful connections with other people, a need for independence, struggles with social expectations, and anxiety-driven demand avoidance can sometimes make friendships tricky to maintain, but this doesn’t make it impossible.

This page has information ways of developing and supporting friendships which may be helpful.

PDAers can have intense approaches to friendships. Many prefer to have close bonds with just a few people rather than having large circles of friends. Group dynamics or trying to keep up with lots of different friends can be difficult but a deep connection with a single ‘best’ friend is commonly seen.

Friendships with PDAers might have qualities like these:

• Intense loyalty: PDAers are often highly devoted to their friends and will go to great lengths to support and defend them.
• Empathy: people who are very aware of their own needs can also be very supportive and understanding of those of their friends, especially in tough times.
• Selective socialising: PDAers might not be interested in casual socialising, preferring deep conversations and shared interests over small talk.
• Needing space: socialising can be exhausting and require recovery time afterwards.
• Different social cues: PDAers might communicate in ways that seem unusual or inconsistent, leading to misunderstandings if friends are unfamiliar with their style.

• Avoiding plans: even when they really want to meet up, the pressure of a planned event can feel overwhelming, leading to frequent cancellations.
• Difficulty maintaining friendships over time: PDAers may struggle with the consistency that friendships require, sometimes pulling away without clear explanations.
• Struggles with authority: even well-meaning advice from a friend can feel like a demand, triggering avoidance or defiance.
• Intense emotions: PDAers may experience rapid mood swings, making it difficult for friends to predict their reactions.
• Masking and burnout: PDAers often mask their difficulties in social settings, which can lead to exhaustion and withdrawal.

Approaches for PDAers around making friends

• Honesty: try letting friends know that socialising can be overwhelming at times and that you might need a break.
• Choosing understanding friends: friends who are open-minded and flexible can become the best companions for a PDAer.
• Trying low-demand ways to keep in touch: messaging, voice notes, online gaming or watching shows together online can be less overwhelming than in-person meetups.
• Setting boundaries and respecting theirs: relationships work best when everyone feels comfortable expressing their needs.
• Reconnecting when ready: try not to be afraid to reach out again if there’s been a break in communication. A good friend will understand.

If you have a PDA friend, the best thing you can do is provide understanding and patience. Some important ways to support them include:

• Avoid applying pressure: try making invitations open-ended and without expectations.
• Don’t take things personally: if a PDAer backs out of plans, it’s probably because they can’t manage it, not that they don’t want to come.
• Share interests: many PDAers thrive in friendships based on shared passions. Try building connections and plans around things you both enjoy.
• Being flexible: understanding that they might seem inconsistent and can cancel at the last minute. This doesn’t mean they don’t care.
• Understanding demand sensitivity: even casual suggestions might feel like demands, so phrasing things in a way that allows them to feel in control can make all the difference.

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