PDA and special occasions

Big celebrations and parties can be difficult for PDAers to cope with. They often involve a lot of expectations like wearing certain clothes and eating in a formal way. Some common challenges could be:

• Strict timings: an event such as a wedding will have a set time for the ceremony and the meal for example. These can’t be delayed, and such a rigid demand can cause anxiety for PDAers.
  
• Limited food options: typically, celebrations and events will have catering. This means that there might not be foods that are liked, or they may be different to usual.
  
• Dress code: some formal celebrations may ask or expect guests to wear smart clothing. Having less control over what can be worn can raise anxiety. It may also mean wearing a less comfortable outfit.
  
• Sensory sensitivity: parties can mean lots of people and sometimes going somewhere new. There may be crowds, loud noises, bright lights and different smells.
  
• Social anxiety: there could be lots of unfamiliar faces. PDAers may also struggle with social expectations to interact with people on their terms.
  
• Traditions: the expectation that things are done in a certain way, just because they always have been, might make PDAers feel a loss of autonomy.

Bearing this in mind it might be that the demand and overwhelm is simply too much for them to attend. Sometimes it is better for everyone to accept that it’s not always possible to find ways to work around these challenges.

If you are arranging the event yourself then you can choose to make it PDA friendly. Remember you don’t have to follow traditions or do things the way others do. Letting others know that you may arrive late or need to leave early is usually appreciated so they don’t feel let down. Some key areas to consider are:

• Food: taking your own snacks means there will be ‘safe’ foods to eat. Having a choice of where, when and what to eat could also help. Try explaining the situation to the host – they may be able to give you something different to eat.
  
• Travel: if the journey is long, it might be a good idea to stay nearby to break the trip into smaller chunks. Thinking about different ways to travel such as going by train rather than driving. Taking more than one car if you have the option can enable people to come and go when they need to.
  
• Venue: if you live near the venue, it may be possible to visit in advance. This can help to manage expectations and locate quiet spaces you could use.
• Balancing everyone’s needs: as an adult PDAer it may be that you can’t manage to attend an event for long but it’s something important for your partner. Talking to each other about how you feel and planning ahead can make it less stressful. If you have a PDA child as part of the family, you could decide to take turns with them. This might mean staying home and swapping over or taking breaks away from the event and going for a walk when they need to.

Understanding and accepting how tricky and demanding special occasions can be for PDAers is an important first step in managing. Being aware of how anxiety may present for the PDAer in your life and helping them when you see signs of distress. Feeling able to step away from the environment and take a break can offer some control and respite.

Attending a big event can be exhausting and it’s important to plan for regulating and recovery time afterwards. Lowering demands as much as possible in the days afterwards can help this process.

PDAers can find birthdays, both their own and other people’s, a challenge. With the focus and attention on someone else it can trigger a feeling of inequality. They may refuse to join in with celebrations or even try to stop them from happening. This can be particularly difficult for siblings.

It can be helpful to arrange for your PDAer to do something they enjoy separately while their sibling has a birthday celebration.

Even their own birthday can be full of demand and uncertainty which raises anxiety levels for PDAers. Talking to them about what they want to do for their birthday and what gifts they might like (if any) is a good place to start. Sharing a list of presents with family can make sure they get what they want and avoid surprises. Opening lots of gifts on one day can feel overwhelming. Giving presents early and over a few days can reduce anxiety.

If your PDAer needs to know exactly what they are getting, doesn’t want gifts wrapped or can’t manage the demand of saying thank you, that’s all okay. What’s important is that they enjoy their birthday, however that looks for them.

If you’re looking for ideas that actually help, our training could be for you. It’s built by people with lived experience, and is full of practical tips. Families tell us that after our training they better understand what is going on for their child, why they are struggling and what they can do to help.