Supporting young PDAers in friendships

Making friends can be difficult for autistic children with a PDA profile. A key trait of PDA is feeling high anxiety around demands, and this can include social situations. This page looks at why friendships may be hard for PDA children at different ages, and suggests ways to support them to form healthy friendships in their own time.

The toddler years are when PDAers may start meeting children outside of their family. PDA toddlers could experience playtime as lots of unpredictable demands. Sharing toys, taking turns, or being told what to do by another adult or child can cause them to feel anxious. They might choose to play away from other children rather than directly with them and seem a bit distant. They may be feeling overwhelmed or out of control and this is okay.  Giving them time and space to find their own way to join in if they choose helps them to feel safer and more in control.

Try keeping social play low demand and on their terms. For example:

• Parallel play: letting your PDAer play near or next to other children. Leaving them to play in their own way instead of forcing them to join in gives them control over what they are doing. Simply being in the same space as other children is a positive first step.
• Short, familiar playdates: meeting at your home or a place your child likes is less demanding for them. Try keeping play sessions short so your PDAer doesn’t get too tired and find things harder to handle. Often autistic people can find too many people and too much noise overwhelming. Going to play areas when they are a bit quieter may help your child to cope. Try asking places if they have an autism friendly session time you could go to.
• Do what they enjoy: if your toddler has a hyperfocus try incorporating that into play with a friend who likes the same thing. A shared interest can create common ground without feeling like a demand.
• No forced sharing: gently explaining why people take turns can help a PDAer start to understand this idea. If sharing is causing them to feel upset, offering duplicate toys or doing activities where each child has their own space can support them.

As PDA children grow, they can become more social and may appear chatty or outgoing. Some PDA kids are seen as being quite sociable by others. The ‘rules’ of friendship like waiting your turn, compromising, or being in groups can be very demanding for them though.

A PDAer might feel they need to control the game or try to stop too many people joining in.  They may get to the point of a meltdown if things don’t go as they expected. Meltdowns differ from person to person. They could project outward and look like lashing out, throwing things or running off. For some they go inward and shut down or hide away.

This is not because they’re bossy or selfish, it’s just that their anxiety is high. They might struggle to understand their friend’s emotions or what they are meaning sometimes. This can lead to mix-ups and occasional arguments. Even when they really want to connect with people this can make it feel tough at times.

Helping PDA children handle social demands might look like:

• One at a time: PDA children usually cope better with fewer people. Arranging to play with one friend in a calm environment keeps anxiety and confusion at a lower level. This may also help them to build a closer bond with one or two friends.
  
• Prep for playdates: before their friend comes over, gently discuss what might happen on the playdate. Letting your child know that if it gets too much, they can take a break can relieve pressure.
  
• Planned activities: free-for-all play can be overwhelming. Having a structured activity to offer like baking or building Lego (together or separately) might give your child more control. Try bearing in mind that sharing resources can be tricky and you may need to help your PDAer to work with their friend if they are doing something together.
• Practising at home: role-play games, or just playing together, can help your child work on social skills indirectly. Using toys can show them how to handle taking turns or losing a game without feeling like they are being told how to behave.

It’s okay for a person to have one good friend rather than a group. You can support by helping their friend to understand that sometimes your child might need to change plans or have alone time. Every positive playdate, even if it is a short one, is progress in building their friendships.

Teenage PDAers face new social pressures and may become more self-aware of their differences. There can be more expectations to text back quickly, meet up with others, keep secrets, and so on. For a PDA teen, friendships themselves can feel like demands. They may enjoy meeting people but struggle with the ongoing maintenance of friendships.

Social anxiety can increase in teenage years.  A PDA young person might constantly worry they’ll say or do the wrong thing. Hyper-sensitivity could mean they misread neutral situations as negative. They might think a friend is upset with them when they’re not for example. As a way of dealing with this some PDA teens withdraw or mask their true feelings.

Empowering your PDA teen to be more independent in their friendships, while still having your support might mean:

• Open communication: encouraging PDA teens to be honest with close friends about their needs. They could say, “I really want to hang out, but sometimes I get anxious and cancel last-minute. Please don’t take it personally.” By opening up to your teen when you are finding things overwhelming, or you can’t manage an activity, you will be modelling what this looks like for them. Also, if they feel comfortable, they could explain PDA to trusted friends.
• Safe social spaces: try finding friends or communities where individuality is accepted. This might be a club related to their special interest, a local gaming group, or an online forum for neurodivergent teens. Being around similar people can lower the social pressure.
• Becoming more independent: your PDAer may want to try and be less dependent on you as their safety net. Planning for tricky situations with them, such as texting a code word if they want picking up early, gives them an exit strategy. Knowing they have an escape route can make socialising feel less scary. Letting them choose how and when they socialise supports them to feel in control. This control helps them feel safe.
• Mentoring and counselling: sometimes talking to a mentor, therapist, or older PDA adult can give teens helpful friendship tips in a non-judgemental way.

Every small step is progress towards building friendships that work for them. Every PDAer deserves friends who accept them for who they are.

If you’re looking for ideas that actually help, our parent carer training could be for you. It’s built by people with lived experience, and is full of practical tips. Families tell us that after our training they better understand what is going on for their child, why they are struggling and what they can do to help. You can see all our training (free and paid for) here