Talking to others about PDA and your child

Helping those around you to know more about Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) can make a big difference and build a more supportive environment for your family.

Explaining PDA to other people may feel challenging to start with. It can be tricky for others to understand. This page offers some ways you could talk about PDA with family and friends and looks at some questions they might ask.

PDA is widely understood to be a profile found within some autistic people. The most obvious (but not only) characteristic of PDA is a determined avoidance of everyday demands. Demands can trigger a fear response in PDAers such as ‘fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop’. It can be useful to think of this response as like a panic attack.

When PDAers avoid demands, they aren’t choosing to behave in this way. Their brain is protecting them from the distress they are feeling. This is even the case with things they want to do and enjoy. It is also the case for things their body needs like going to the toilet or going to sleep. It’s helpful to remember for a PDAer it’s a case of “can’t not won’t”.  

PDA can have a profound impact on people’s lives. But things can really improve with the right understanding and support around them.

It’s natural for others to compare your PDAer’s behaviour to their own experiences. However, this can sometimes lead to unhelpful comments. Here are some ways to respond:

• “We all have things we don’t want to do, but we just have to get on with it.”
  This can be an all-too-common sentence for parents of PDAers to hear. For PDAers expectations and demands can feel impossible. It is a case of “can’t, not won’t”. Often for PDAers it’s not just things they don’t want to do which are avoided. This really shows the difference. PDAers can struggle to do what their body needs them to because it’s an internal demand, for example a rumbling tummy might mean they can’t eat. They can miss out on things they really enjoy because of the demands involved.
  
• “They’re just being stubborn.”
  PDA is not about stubbornness. It’s an anxiety-driven need to feel in control. If they could simply “choose” to do the thing, they would. Demands trigger a deep, instinctive response that can feel impossible to overcome.
  
• “You’re giving in to them.”
  Meeting a child’s needs isn’t “giving in”. It’s supporting them in a way that reduces anxiety and makes everyday life more manageable. Using traditional discipline and boundaries often leads to more distress and avoidance with PDAers. A collaborative, flexible approach works best.
  
• “They need more discipline.”
  PDA isn’t a behaviour problem – it’s a neurological difference. Using authority, consequences, or rewards to try and make a PDAer do what you are telling them to just makes the demand even bigger. They can then feel even more anxious and avoidant. Helping a PDAer means lowering demands and giving them control as much as is possible. This helps to build relationships and trust.

Once family and friends begin to understand PDA, they may want to know how they can help. Here are some suggestions they could try:

• Being flexible: accepting that you might be late or need to change or cancel plans with them, to help your PDAer. Even if you are meeting up without your PDAer this can still apply. Asking about changes they can make to accommodate your child so they can still enjoy family visits or events.
  
• Build trust with your child: when they are interacting with your child, ask them to offer choice and flexibility and to speak to them like an equal. This can help build trust, reduce anxiety and make everyday situations easier.
  
• Learning more: reading PDA-friendly resources or books could grow their understanding. Hearing other personal stories from support groups can also help to build empathy.
• Listening: being there for you and listening without judgement can give you invaluable support.

By helping family and friends understand PDA you are advocating for your child and yourself. This can create more acceptance and support for everyone involved.

It might be the case that you and your partner are not on the same page when it comes to your child’s PDA. Sometimes one parent may find it easier to accept the situation and change their behaviour more quickly than the other. This can lead to arguments within a relationship, whether you are together or separated.

Sharing the PDA resources that you found useful, might help. If you feel comfortable you can talk to them about how you are processing the situation and what helps you deal with it. Try to remember that you are both dealing with this in your own way and give each other time and space if needed.

The PDA journey is hard enough. It’s important to try and work together to support each other and your child.