PDA traits

PDA is defined in part by a deep need to maintain personal autonomy, and this can affect how relationships are experienced by PDAers and those around them.

It’s common for someone to seem very sociable on the surface, but they may be intensely mask their difficulties to avoid confrontation. This can hide deeper challenges and make it more likely that autism will be overlooked. For example, someone might appear engaging and confident but find it difficult to build or sustain deep relationships, because these often come with complex demands and expectations. Someone might also change suddenly from feeling engaged to defensive or withdrawn in response to subtle shifts in perceived demands as they try to regulate their anxiety. 

Traditional social hierarchies such as in school, work, healthcare or at home are full of social demands which can feel like a threat to personal autonomy. These situations are likely to cause anxiety, and so to try and cope with this stress a person might try to exert control over their environment or social interactions, even when this falls outside social norms. This might look like taking charge of conversations or managing how and when contact happens to create predictability.

Parenting approaches based on rewards and consequences often don’t help and praise itself can become a demand. PDA children are more likely to thrive in flexible, collaborative relationships that are respectful of personal autonomy, even though this might clash with traditional guidance and professional advice based on enforcing structure and routine.

When demands feel unmanageable, rather than saying ‘no’, a PDAer may be more likely to use social strategies to manage or deflect demands and avoid confrontation. This might include:

• Distraction: change the subject, tell a joke, or introduce a new idea.
• Negotiation: suggest doing the task later, or under different conditions.
• Flattery: compliment someone to change the mood or reduce pressure.
• Role play: pretend to be someone else—like a dog learning a trick or a teacher giving instructions.
• Withdrawing: appear to daydream, disengage or walk away.
• Switching focus: suggest an alternative task that feels safer or more enjoyable.

Elizabeth Newson (who coined the term PDA) described this tendency of some children to use social tools to control interactionsas ‘social manipulation’. PDAers often describe social strategies like these as an automatic response to overwhelming stress, but because they might not follow social norms and expectations, this avoidance can be misinterpreted as laziness, defiance, or manipulation.

Someone with a PDA profile might need to feel in control of a situation to feel safe, and to avoid the intense anxiety or panic when demand avoidance is triggered. Autistic and PDA people may also have language delays, learning disabilities, or differences in communication which might affect how they express their needs.

It’s helpful to try and understand the underlying cause of anxiety and help someone to feel safe enough that they don’t need to rely only on social strategies by:

• reducing demands and pressure.
• using indirect language (e.g. ‘your shoes are by the door’ instead of ‘put on your shoes’).
• respecting autonomy by offering genuine choices.
• being transparent and avoiding sudden shifts in expectations.
• recognising early signs of stress before escalation.

While many autistic individuals have focused interests, PDAers are often drawn to things that are more socially oriented, such as an intense fascination with a particular person. For example, someone might spend hours watching videos, collecting facts, or reenacting scenes involving a favourite celebrity, TV character, or historical figure. These interests are more than hobbies – they offer emotional regulation, a sense of identity, and an avenue for connection.

It’s very common to form strong bonds with “safe” people, who are perceived as non-demanding, emotionally consistent, and predictable. These relationships provide a sense of comfort and security in a world that can otherwise feel overwhelming.

Someone might rely heavily on these relationships to the exclusion of others, which can challenge social dynamics and expectations. Or, if a particular relationship starts to feel like a demand, this can cause a sudden shift. One adult PDAer described this switch by saying, “I loved my mum more than anything, but when she tried to get me to go to school, she stopped being safe.”

Special interests can help someone emotionally regulate, connect with their identity, and form social bonds or communities. For some people, integrating special interests into education, work or daily routines can help situations feel less demanding.

Autistic people can find it harder to self-soothe or understand what’s wrong when stressed, and this can be particularly intense for PDAers who already struggle with a sense of control. PDAers can find it particularly hard to interpret bodily sensations such as hunger, thirst, temperature or emotional states, which causes additional anxiety.

It’s very common for PDAers to experience sudden mood swings, impulsive behaviour, or emotional outbursts, and Elizabeth Newson described these rapid and intense mood changes as emotional lability. Some people are “internalisers” and become quiet and withdrawn in response to stress, whilst others could be described as “externalisers”, with more obvious strong emotional reactions, which can sometimes lead to aggressive or violent behaviour. There can be big differences between how people interpret someone’s behaviour and what they are feeling on the inside, and this can lead to misunderstandings.

What may look like a sudden outburst can be the result of a build-up of stress, after someone has been struggling to regulate their emotions for hours or days. In these high-stress moments, the priority should be physical and emotional safety, and only later to reflect on what could be done differently next time.

This experience is often the result of demand stacking, which is a cumulative load of demands (external or internal) that build pressure over time. This kind of build-up has been described using analogies like the anxiety volcano or thermometer, where anxiety builds invisibly until a tipping point is reached. When someone enters fight, flight or freeze they might struggle to think logically, communicate, or act impulsively – even if they might regret this later.

What it might look like on the outside:

• a young person appears calm at school, then lashes out when asked to finish a task.
• an adult manages a social event but becomes angry or distressed when asked a simple question on the way home.
• a child cheerfully playing suddenly runs out of the room when asked to tidy up.

We can help. We provide training to meet your needs whether you are a PDAer, a parent or a professional. All our training contains practical tools and the theory behind them – presented by people who understand the challenges you are facing. Many of our courses are CPD accredited too. You can find them here.